pizzaism - the superior choice!

Gravedigging Omens

2011-05-02T17:48:00.003+08:00

Honestly, I'm afraid.

I'm not sure when this happened, when I started losing so much confidence, and so quickly.

I fear I may in fact, be weak. Far weaker than I ever imagined.

... It's a somewhat repugnant thought.

Keep the faith

2011-04-12T23:52:00.000+08:00

Because sometimes dreams still come true.

Distractions

2011-04-11T00:10:00.002+08:00

Okay, honestly, I came to my blog looking to try to date a certain event for my CV, but I couldn't find anything posted about it here, so meh. I also couldn't help but notice I haven't blogged in...

A long time. Yep.

I think I'm a different person now. I think I've only just realised how true that is, and it's pretty scary.

Did NS do this to me? Some of these changes, yes, I think I can quite safely attribute them to NS. Growing closer to my family for one. It's a good change, and it's one that NS brought about by giving me a topic of conversation. I'm honestly really thankful for this. It seems that God has a strange way of going about answering prayer. Hm.

That aside however, I seem to have... Grown old. Old-ER anyway. I mean, I actually applied for Medicine. Good god.

Right now I'm cracking my head open, and trying to summon every bit of motivation I can to do a proper fight for my place. The thing is, I'm honestly not sure if I ought to be doing this at all. A part of me, I think, is trying to say, "Screw this, it's not what you really want!"

But then, what do I really want?

I'm not too sure myself after all. I know what I like, but how would I know what would most suit me as a career. Who's to say I won't enjoy being a doctor or a lawyer? Honestly, my interests have always been many and varied, so who's to say I'm taking the wrong path here? It's not like I haven't thought about even a career in astrophysics or something. (Yeah, weird, let's not go there too much for now. By the way, I've still never thought about engineering or mathematics yet, and probably never will, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.) The thing is, the repeated advice that I'm hearing more and more often as I and my peers begin to carve our futures out for ourselves begins to ring more and more true. What you like doesn't have to your career.

It's true after all. It's not like one can't pursue what one really enjoys as a hobby. I mean, I think plenty of people would love to make a career out of gaming, but most of us just elect to do it as a hobby for, let's face it, strictly practical reasons. It's not like we don't have an interest in that, but most of us are sensible enough to accept that only a select few people are going to be lucky enough to live on that.

So... I mean, I'm really not too sure what I should do now. I'm thinking I should just try to push myself to give my best for now, and then we'll talk when Medicine chooses me. After all, it's a bit like OCS (which unfortunately, or perhaps, fortunately), in that it chooses you, not the other way around. (Hopefully whatever posting God has in store won't be too taxing... or at least, will be worth whatever I have to put in...) So hey, let's not count our eggs before they hatch hm?

I'm really growing old. I feel myself starting to fade a bit. As if I'm not really living anymore. Starting to fall into mindless routines, just living each day because... Because I don't know. Because I can, because everyone else does, because I'm not sure what I can or ought to be doing otherwise. (Maybe I just feel this way because of NS? Maybe I'll live again once I'm in university? One can only hope.)

I really hope I make the right choice for uni. It's pretty much going to be the last time in my life I'll be free of real obligation and responsibility, and I intend to turn those into the best years of my life.

For now though... BMT is over, and that's still less than a tenth of National Service.

We'll see how the rest of it pans out. I'll try my very hardest to live again this week :3

Tekong

2011-02-09T23:31:00.002+08:00

And I'm off!

(Tmr at 0845 that is.)

Hearken not unto dreams

2011-01-08T01:10:00.002+08:00

"For thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Let not your prophets and your diviners, that be in the midst of you, deceive you, neither hearken to your dreams which ye cause to be dreamed."

- Jeremiah 29:8

The Bible: Sometimes amusingly relevant for the most trivial reasons.

Almost definitely not hermeunetically sound, but whatever. The idea is actually somewhat close.

To the people who defined my JC life

2010-12-07T07:46:00.002+08:00

Because I need to whoosh off in a bit and I don't have the time to do a proper post, I'll give you the tl;dr of the eventual post-prom post. (Sometime next week. And yes, this means I will likely not be contactable till then.)

Thank you all~! :3

2010-12-04T23:40:00.002+08:00

"It alarmed her mother, though. She said, "Glory, you take things too much to heart." That was what they always said about her. Hope was serene, Luke was generous, Teddy was brilliant, Jack was Jack, Grace was musical, and Glory took everything to heart. She wished they had told her how to do otherwise, what else she should have done."

2010-11-23T13:07:00.002+08:00

" Official site updated with starters’ names!

The official site has put up the English names for the starters:

* Tsutarja - Snivy
* Pokabu - Tepig
* Mijumaru - Oshawott

The Isshu region’s name has also been changed to the Unova region for the English version."

*twitches*

Truly: http://pettyartist.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d33ecgr

WHY GAMEFREAK WHY

On "Trying Your Best"

2010-11-16T23:41:00.001+08:00

"Just try your best."

"Trying Your Best" has got to be the most deviously cunning idea ever invented by the collective hive mind of worried parents.

Oh, it's not that they expect anything from you. No, really, it's okay if you fail, heck, you could be the worst student in the world (they'd have you believe) but as long as you've tried your best they're okay with that, they're fine with who you are.

Uhhh... Okay.

That's an interesting thing to think about though. I mean, what exactly is "trying your best"?

From what I've attempted to understand, it seems nothing less than a wholehearted devotion to studying. And that's not really a problem in and of itself. I mean, yeah, it makes sense I guess, doing your best in something would suggest you put in 100% of your effort into that *thing*, whatever it may be.

But wait, I don't want to spend 100% of my effort on the 'A' Levels.

*gasp*

Oh dear, you're not "trying your best"!

In which case, yeah, sure, I'm not.

I don't intend to, and I never intended to, and I don't understand how anyone could stand to truly invest their entire schooling experience into absolutely nothing but studying.

Fair enough, you say, but then you should still put in a substantial amount of effort into this yes?

Well. Perhaps.

In the first place there's no real reason for me to do well for anyone else, except for the sole fact that my education is being paid for, and frankly, it is more and more becoming the primary one. (jk, it's already my primary reason. I hope no one actually fell for that one.)

But apparently it's okay if I do "my best". Whatever that means.

Supposedly it does not mean "spend every waking moment studying until the exams are over". Which, yeah, seems like a fair cop to me.

But it's less okay for me to spend for example, today on relaxation when my next paper is in... Oh, about a week.

Well, okay, I get the whole "it's just a month" thing, but frankly, isn't it kind of arbitrary then, the amount of effort that is required of me.

I mean, if there's no set quantity of "hours of study" I must put it (presumably), then the requisite amount of study to be considered "substantial" is kind of what I make of it isn't it?

Whether it is actually sufficient aside (I grant it probably isn't, but will also tell you with every ounce of seriousness that frankly not much of what I crammed between papers really mattered), it has certainly been "more". More than usual. That's not much, but it does mean that in my books, it is "relatively substantial".

As far as I'm concerned then, I'm "trying my 'better'" so to speak, and honestly that's what "trying your best" really means when it's said. "Try harder", "put in more effort".

Because you can always study harder.

It's true, everyone can!

So then, why don't you tell me specifically what it is you expect of me? Obviously it isn't "effort" alone, because apparently there's a certain threshold it has to reach to satisfy these expectations, in which case I frankly believe it'd be much easier for everyone if these expectations could be just spelt out unambiguously instead of randomly guilt tripping me with my resolutions twisted to serve your purposes.

There's really few things which stab at my heart more painfully than that. I fucking hate it, and you, when you do things like that.

Like what? It's hard to define. But we'll put it this way.

It's hilarious. The idea that grades don't matter. Come on, everyone knows why the education system is still as it is. Why we still have a flawed sense of intellectual value. It's because it's all fucking lip service which no one really gives two hoots about. And we wonder why no one believes it?

It's among the biggest, most annoying lies in the world, not because it deceives anyone, but precisely because it deceives no one but we have to go along with it as if we believe it anyway.

You expect something of me, stop pretending like you don't.

I don't necessarily intend to live up to it, and you frustrate me, because you're probably not someone I would be on good terms with no matter whatever the circumstances of our coexistence were. And it's slightly sad perhaps, but most likely

true.

interesting

2010-10-20T21:51:00.001+08:00

I write my worst poetry on my handphone whilst taking the MRT.

.______________________________________.

fr-AME

2010-10-18T23:51:00.005+08:00

Today is I'm-too-lazy-to-post-so-I'll-put-lyrics-from-a-kawada-mami-song day.

Also, from the moment I heard this song I knew I'd want it to be my WIP's theme song... :(
(Seriously it's almost too perfect.)

a frame
作詞：川田まみ
作曲・編曲：中沢伴行／尾崎武士
歌：川田まみ

瞬いた瞬間セピア色になる
見慣れた景色も今日はここにない

滲んで焼けないダメな画に嘆く
最後の一瞬くらい残したい

Ah　楽し過ぎた数だけ涙が溢れた

色褪せないで
空も風も、感じてきたままでしょ？　ずっと
瞳には写してきた
変わらないこの場所と笑顔達

描き続けてきた夢や未来が連れてきた　ここへ
その結末さえも、また一つ残される記憶

「サヨナラ」の一言で
止まれないよ僕らはまだ
いくつものコマを並べ、蘇り繋がる思い出に

色褪せないで
空も風も、感じてきたままでしょ？　ずっと
瞳には写してきた
変わらないこの場所と笑顔達

a frame
Lyrics: MAMI KAWADA
Music&Arrangement: TOMOYUKI NAKAZAWA／TAKESHI OZAKI
Vocals: MAMI KAWADA

In the moment when I blink, it all turns sepia.
The scenery I got used to seeing isn’t here today.

I lament in a useless picture that doesn’t run and fade.
I want to leave behind at least a final moment.

Ah, with just the times when we were so happy, the tears overflowed.

Don’t fade;
I came to feel the sky and wind, right? All this time.
My eyes came to record
This unchanging place and the smiles.

With the dream I continued to paint, the future took me here.
Even that conclusion is another memory that is left behind.

We can’t stop yet
With the single word “Goodbye.”
Line up the countless frames in the reviving, connecting memories.

Don’t fade;
I came to feel the sky and wind, right? All this time.
My eyes came to record
This unchanging place and the smiles.

obligatory post-prelim post

2010-09-30T21:51:00.001+08:00

It's nice to think that the world's your oyster, but it's kind of hard to keep up the delusion in times like these.

memory, biology, algebra

2010-09-29T23:16:00.003+08:00

Life's a mess.

It spins and you spin and you're spinning with it.

Or against it? You don't really know anymore.

But the disorientation is real.

And then you lose what you are, where you are, and where you're going.

And maybe you're being sucked in, slowly, surely.

To what, where to?

You don't really know, you never really did.

It's vague, but you're vague, and your definition, your resolution, fades.

Then what are you now, hazy, blurred and indistinguishable.

It's easy, comfortable, to release yourself to the tide.

But in whose wake do you thread

seamless

perfectly invisible

indistinguishable

same

and unerringly

towards

2010-09-16T00:53:00.001+08:00

What's amazing is that if I said, "I hate people!"

I'd probably be more than half right! That's quite the thought.

Dammit people, give me some reason to believe in you.

2010-09-09T23:06:00.003+08:00

When
I'm right, I make
A bitter smile.

And
I've oft
Wished to
Be wrong.

It gives no peace
For life on lease
To trudge bereft,
Forlorn.

If might's not right
Please give me light
For sight that'll prove
Me wrong.

To open eyes
To see that rise
And give that last swan song

That at the end
All things will mend
To hail that dying dawn

---

wow this sucks.

Why Yanappu Sucks or Why GameFreak Can Really Do Better

2010-09-07T14:21:00.003+08:00

RANT INCOMING

First things first, let's get this off my chest.

I. Hate. Monkeys.

With a passion. I don't really know why, but I have never understood why anyone could think monkeys are cute. They are hideous, baby-killing things.

I'm not even lying: http://news.softpedia.com/news/Female-Chimps-Practice-Heavily-Infanticide-and-Cannibalism-54687.shtml

But hey, that's fine, I mean dolphins do that too, so no sweat. But at least dolphins don't look totally gross.

So while Mankey and Primeape were kind of okay (I never liked them, but I didn't hate them. Maybe the whole round shape and pig-nose made them un-monkey enough.) and while Aipom was weird but also okay, when Chimchar came out and everyone was going all batshit insane about OMG THE MONKEY IT'S A MONKEY CHECK OUT THE MONKEY WITH HIS BUTT ON FIRE OMG THE MONKEY, I was pretty ambivalent about it. All I really thought was, "meh, so I guess I'm definitely going with Piplup then."

Then Infernape came and completely outclassed Blaziken while managing to also look like a complete retard (maybe because it looked like a monkey. A LEGENDARY monkey.)

Ambipom was tolerable, because the two tails with "fingers" were pretty interesting, even if they still totally look like udders (seriously what is up with that).

Then came Hihidaruma.

Hello I'm another ugly fire type, apparently GameFreak really can't get enough of those, what with Ewfernape and Heatroll. Did I mention I was really ugly?

But it was still okay, it was just one more primate after all, I can do with a few ugly apes shitting up my game, especially if it's going to take 25% upon switching into Stealth Rock (suck it Hihidaruma).

Now I was barely tolerating the monkey invasion at this point really, with people loving the thing to death. GREAT DESIGN, I LOVE IT, OMG IT'S SO CREATIVE, YAY FIRE TYPE, HAHA THAT THING LOOKS AWESOME LOVING 5TH GEN.

Did I mention how people have horrible taste regarding the 5th Gen designs? (Also I have no idea what kind of weed people are smoking when they say 3rd gen had the worst designs. Really? At least none of their starters were ugly. Only damn generation I can say THAT for. 2nd comes close, but I will never forgive Croconaw.)

Then this HORROR of a broccolimonkey reared its ugly, UGLY head.

Hi I look totally hideous also wtf is up with this broccoli on my head?

Now all the crazy monkey people are going OMG SO CUTE IT'S A MONKEY IT'S A MONKEY WITH A TREE/BROCCOLI/GREEN PILE OF SHIT ON ITS HEAD YAY I LOVE MONKEYS. And I have had enough.

Apparently there's going to be EVEN MORE APES LIKE YANAPPU and that's the worse news I've heard all year. Might I add it most definitely looks like Aipom? Because I don't care what you say about "of course they look similar, they're both monkeys oh dumbass!" Chimchar and Hihidaruma at the very least don't look like bloody Aipom. (Or each other, and that's having taken into consideration the fact that they're both primates AND fire type. Who's looking stupid now, huh?)

Also, monkeys actually have considerable variation, despite not being one of the most diverse groups of animals in the world. Oh yeah, I went there.

"cause they are a lot of different monkey species and legends that got something to do with them.

same reason why we got so many water types: lots of fishs."

1. There are.
2. Oh god I can't continue, the terrible grammar just makes me want to kill myself.
3. "Water types" don't only include fish. They include pretty much any aquatic animal. Not that it really matters, because there are more species of fish than there are any other vertebrate on Earth.

In fact, just about half of all living species of vertebrate are fish.

Now see, that's what we call diversity.

(I'm not even going to start on "Bug types", suffice to say that there are oh only about a hundred and fifty TIMES more species of insect than there are vertebrates. All vertebrates. Insects meaning only the six-legged kind, Mr. Geniusface.)

So let's just do a rough estimate. Going by the number of actual species, the count would probably go something like this. (We won't include microorganisms because Pokemon doesn't care about them, another thing to ponder about if you think actual species diversity has, or should have, any bearing on what Pokemon GameFreak should make.)

There are probably *about* 1 million Bug types GameFreak could make based on living species alone. They clearly can make more, considering the fact that they make stuff like Yanmega, which is obviously some sort of Meganeura ripoff, and that they consider larval and pupal forms to be separate Pokemon, which bumps up our total by a considerable amount since we aren't limited to imago anymore. It's probably also safe to say we can have about 200,000 Water types, probably a good number more considering GameFreak's propensity to give the typing to anything even remotely relevant to water. Also, remember folks, we're not counting boring stuff like algae or plants or bacteria and the like!

Now by comparison, we have uh...

"264 known extant monkey species represent two of the three groupings of simian primates (the third group being the 21 species of apes)" - Wikipedia.

WHOOPS. So much for species diversity, eh? Eh?

But okay, maybe monkeys have cultural significance.

Then why do only Infernape and Hihidaruma seem to be the only two with any cultural reference whatsoever?

I can forgive a few apes, because people have a skewed apprecation of species diversity. That's okay.

But really, can you actually call it creative to:
1. Make ANOTHER monkey, with literally nothing particularly unique to it whatsoever. (Oh wait, but it has a broccoli on its head, that's real unique!)
2. Design this monkey in the generic chimp/macaque general body shape people first think of when they think "monkey"? (i.e. Like Aipom and Chimchar. Only, like I earlier said, Chimchar actually looks different. Probably because it doesn't have some goofy face. That being another trait that seems to come to mind when people think monkey.)

You see, even MONKEYS, even these lame APES have rather more morphological diversity than I'd like to give them credit for, but no, apparently neither GameFreak (nor, it would seem, much of their playerbase) have the imagination to even THINK of a different design.

No, in fact, it seems that all it takes to make something "new" and "creative" nowadays is to slap a broccoli on its head, and call it a Grass type.

Now I forgive GameFreak, because they actually made a zebra. And an otter. And a mole. (And a penguin last gen, I'm proud of you guys.)

The point is, they do have the capacity for some creativity in design! Check out the purported failure of the 3rd gen! They had a lobster. A piranha that evolves into a shark. Hyenas! PELICANS! MUDSKIPPERS! SLOTHS! FIREFLIES! There's probably more but I haven't recalled them. Oh right, COELACANTHS. KING OF HERRING/GULPER EELS. And there is still room for genuine creativity. Nature has a lot more designs you could rip off, GameFreak, don't use the same bog standard simian design a million times over with the crutch of "different typing" as an excuse for creativity for goodness' sake. I wouldn't even hate this as much if Yanappu was a Proboscis Monkey or something. =/

Luckily CAP seems to still put out interesting Fakemon, good job guys.

/rant

P.S. To forestall stupidity, sloths are not monkeys. They are part of a proud group of organisms (one of only a few) that survived the North American onslaught of Smilodon. In fact, they regularly bashed their heads in (See also: Megatherium) or laughed as they shook their armoured asses at their funny funny saber-teeth (See also: Glyptodon). As Wikipedia puts it, "the primitive-looking xenarthrans proved to be surprisingly competitive", or as I prefer to say, weird joints make you awesome.

GP Fever

2010-09-01T15:53:00.002+08:00

From Wikipedia:

Norwegian-based High North Alliance, has suggested that the carbon footprint resulting from eating whale meat is substantially lower than that of beef. Greenpeace has responded that "The survival of a species is more important than lower greenhouse gas emissions from eating it,"

---

Like, wow, really? Who would've thought 1kg of whale meat means less greenhouse gas emissions than 1kg of beef! I mean, y'know, just like how 1kg of tiger meat is more environmentally friendly than 1kg of beef!

Or even 1kg of human meat! Yeah that's even better! I mean, talk about reducing the carbon footprint!

Genius. -_-

Oh well, back to panicking about GP for the first time in my life.

Rationalization

2010-07-25T23:01:00.002+08:00

Your grades suck. ---> You can't go where you want to go. (1)

You don't want to go elsewhere. ---> There is no point putting in effort that will only result in you going where you don't want to be. + (1) ---> There is no point putting in effort academically. (2)

At this point there is nothing to do but study + (2) ---> There is nothing to be done. (3)

Sometimes I feel people are getting more than me for less. ---> My sense of justice does not match up with what happens in reality. ---> I feel there is no point putting in effort in living the way I think life ought to be lived. ---> My understanding of life is worthless. (4)

(3) + (4) ---> I have nothing left to cling to, nothing to be done. ---> Bleh.

I blog because I forget

2010-07-24T20:12:00.002+08:00

Often social interaction is a rather frustrating thing, because you can never really know what a smile or a sentence truly means.

Anyway I feel that I am more honest than most, but yet for some reason I feel like I am understood less because of it.

Perhaps that's got to do with never being able to completely understand someone, especially with all sorts of contextual information necessarily being forgone for the sake of brevity in conversation.

I mean, for example:

Despite what it may appear to be, I will say that I quite assuredly love my family. And I know this because of my many (disturbed) dreams, the most saddening ones of all involve losing members of family. It is still something that, if nothing else, ranks subconsciously supreme among my fears.

Don't misunderstand me and my opinions.

My moral code is something which I daresay is extremely complex.

Going off on a tangent, I would say much of the effort of recent years has gone into many, not only academically irrelevant things, but things that are presumably not of much conventional interest. I like to think this has been a calculated expenditure of my intellectual resources, though undoubtedly, one neither recognized nor appreciated.

That's also why I hate being wrong.

I rarely believe I actually am, which adds to the frustration, because then I wonder if it really is that hard to see (to me) what can only be described as the blithering obvious. I am also, by the way, pretty flexible in my opinions. In that I am unlikely to outright think "YOU ARE WRONG" unless it's really a stand quite fundamentally different from mine which you are thinking.

A lot of what I believe also tends to be vindicated by experience. (Another reason why I hate being wrong.) And after all, empirical observation happens to be one of the methods by which I reason, so it is not entirely surprising to see it proven once again.

So when I say "I wish I was wrong", believe me, I wish I was. But oftentimes things are a lot uglier than they seem.

Stop being an egocentric bitch!

I will in a moment, dear reader, but let me continue just a little bit longer.

Besides, this is really, more for the sake of my memory (as the title would suggest) than for anyone else.

Which brings me to my next point.

I often forget a lot of what I have synthesized. This is unfortunate, because this means I may sometimes appear illogical and coherent, while this may not necessarily be the case.

This is also partially because I think, reason and remember, primarily conceptually. This is a reason I personally believe thought exists without language. I, quite literally, experience it.

So I have these vague ideas that float about, shaping my attitudes and beliefs, even if I one day forget the idea as I would express it in language. In fact, this happens a lot. I do not believe it is a unique experience, to forget but still retain the essence of something, but what I do believe is that I am especially prone to such forgetfulness.

In the course of having showered and typing out this blogpost, I have already forgotten much of what I have thought from the train journey back alone, much less the things I have thought of today, or yesterday.

And you thought my posts were long enough as they were.

Now, pardon the talk about scholarships and university entrances, but consider that this is what a student at this point ought to be thinking about, and you will not find it so strange when I suggest that if there was some way to present my daily thoughts in a testimonial, I believe it would significantly improve my chances. Especially, I think, because many of my paper visible traits (grades, CCA records) are less than stellar. Why this situation is so should probably be reserved for a hypothetical later post.

Anyway, at this point I am pretty exhausted, plus I have kind of lost my sense of purpose again. And I feel so much of me is invisible that it really makes me wonder why I bother. It means nothing, and speaks to no one. All it does is increase my frustration, because I believe I have spent more time and effort than many while reaping no benefits whatsoever.

tl;dr I wish there was a way to take the unseen and unknown into consideration.

DenYuuDen

2010-07-19T20:31:00.008+08:00

New template!

It's a lot neater, and I *do* like its simplicity, but aesthetically it still leaves much to be desired. And that's coming from minimalistic me, but oh well. I'll go template surfing some other time.

More importantly, animu commentary.

In a season (indeed, an age) of sub-par anime, even the slightest outlier in this downward cascade is cause for celebration, and it is for this reason I wish to talk about a series known as:

LEGEND OF THE LEGENDARY HEROES.

Now when I saw the name (oh, come on, you know you would have done it too), I knew it was too good to pass up. A name like LEGEND of the LEGENDARY Heroes? No, really?

I mean, it really doesn't get anymore legendary than that does it?

So I decided it was worth picking up for the lulz, if nothing else.

And in truth, all I really expected from it was some amusement from bad plot, overused fantasy tropes (Overpowered Protagonist? Check. Unknown Higher Evil? Check. Corrupt Nobility? Check. Battle Chick? Check. Magic Eyes? Check.), and *maybe* some intentional humour here and there as well.

Turns out that Ferris is like the first and only Action Girl I have liked, and will ever like.

Why?

I DON'T KNOW.

Also, I really like magic eyes.

Why?

I DON'T KNOW.

Also I loved it when ~~Lelouch~~ LUTE RYNER goes ahead and ~~commands them to kill themselves with Geass~~ USES HIS ALPHA STIGMA AND BRUTALIZES THE SNOT OUT OF EVERYONE.

Apparently, the Magic Knights are Angels

Probably just as important of course, is the fact that it panders to my back story fetish. Whoo!

And finally, Aira Yuuki sings the OP, Ceui sings the ED. 'nuff said.

But wait, this is all just stuff that YOU like.

You are 100% correct. It may hardly be the sleeper hit of the season. It may even just end up being just another sub-par new anime. But hey, lolheroes entertains me. A lot.

And really, that's good enough for me right now.

If you seriously asked me "what do you like about DenYuuDen", all I could tell you would be that "I think it has potential," (I do.) and that "for some reason, the VIBE it gives off works for me." (It's true.)

How do I describe this good feeling? I'm not entirely sure.

Is it really just magic eyes?

Is it Ferris?

Is it, maybe, the ending theme? (Yeah okay maybe it is just the ending theme.)

tl;dr

I like DenYuuDen because it is fantasy that has at least one character I like watching, has a nice opening and ending, and hasn't yet sucked (and has even gotten quite interesting in the past 2 episodes).

And I am still watching Ookami-san.

If we all knew that ugly ~~dumpling~~ duckling would turn out this hot, we would probably be much nicer people.

ANYWAY TIME TO GO STUDY HURR

MLIA

2010-07-13T20:35:00.002+08:00

Came back promising to myself to get work done, worked on complex numbers for a bit, thought "oh, not as bad as I thought".

Open the internet browser, decide to watch Ookami-san episode 2 and Legend of the Legendary Heroes (lol) because it has an awesome name.

Legend of the Legendary Heroes has a nice OP. Voice sounds familiar. Finish episode, Legend of the Legendary Heroes has a nice ED.

"Oh, Aira Yuuki and Ceui sung them, I thought it sounded like their voices. Excellent."

I pick up Legend of the Legendary Heroes because the first episode didn't outright suck, plus it looks like it could get better soon, but mainly because Aira Yuuki sings the OP and Ceui sings the ED.

My Life Is Average.

P.S. It's a good thing the single is being released within the month. At least for the OP. (Curses, I like the ED quite a bit more at the moment.)

excellent.

2010-07-09T22:13:00.027+08:00

Oh no guys. This thing is PRIME NEWS MAN.

Comments italicized and in red.

---

Jul 9, 2010
RI students get World Cup day off
Oh shit. RI students! This is BIG NEWS, people!

By Amelia Tan & Hoe Pei Shan

Much of Singapore will be glued to television sets on Monday morning, when that once in four years event Drumroll guys, I bet you've got no idea what's coming... - the World Cup Final Told you. - rolls around.

Not schoolchildren, however. Really? None at all? Many want to watch the game, but having to throw off the covers at the crack of dawn to head to class rules it out. Not necessarily in and of itself. Parental objection is a large factor (I should know).

dundundun new paragraph Unless they are from Raffles Institution (RI).

The school was the only one among 30 The Straits Times Oh I'm reading The Straits Times? Not The New Paper? contacted that is giving its students a bye. lol It has declared Monday a holiday, allowing students - and not a few teachers - to head to bed after either the Oranje of Holland or Spain's La Furia Roja lift the coveted cup, which will occur well after 4am.

RI's principal, Mrs Lim Lai Cheng, said she had promised her students a day off to celebrate the 28 national sports titles and nine gold awards for uniformed groups the school landed this year. Yes, she did She had not decided on a date, No, she had not but teachers and students dropped not-so-subtle hints Hey guys does this actually mean they weren't really so much hinting per se but instead were actually - I DON'T KNOW that July 12 was their choice, and she went along with it. The problem being...

Students elsewhere were not so lucky. Oh what a CRYING SHAME, that. Other principals contacted rejected the idea of declaring Monday a holiday, though they have the flexibility to do so. Their reasons mainly centred on a lack of curriculum time. i.e. they would likely not be declaring a day off at all, nor ever had any intention to do so.

Hwa Chong Institution students, however, have a hope. There is no change in tone here whatsoever, you are imagining it. Its student council has made what it thinks is a win-win proposal: Proposal = Legitimate =/= Not-so-subtle hints. OH I GET IT. Let there be class, but let it start one to two hours later. I think this is a good idea. More schools should have tried to bargain for this IMO.

The proposal Again, remember, it's a PROPOSAL. is being reviewed, with a decision expected today.

---

Excellent.

Because we all know that with news stories like these:

"JC suicide cases ruled a 'sad coincidence'"

"Students hooked on World Cup betting"

"China seizes melamine-tainted milk powder"

and oh hey,

"RI and Sinda team up to help Indian students"

nothing, absolutely nothing, deserves a front page placement more than "RI students get World Cup day off". Nope.

I mean, between signs of an overly stressful education system, illegal gambling being on the rise among students, poor enforcement of food-safety policies in the world's most populous country, and providing poverty stricken students with scholarships that could enable them to break the poverty cycle, there is really nothing that deserves more attention. (All of these, by the way, in case reading dates aren't your thing, are dated 9th July as well, except the article on gambling.)

There are real problems in the world today, but The Straits Times, no less, finds it necessary to print such an article on the front page. Today didn't, and I don't actually have to pay 90 cents to pick up a copy of Today.

I ask you, why?

Perhaps because Today doesn't need to sell itself, and thus attempts to actually beef up its 50 odd pages worth of articles with issues that are actually newsworthy. (Paul the Octopus is a shitty gossip piece which is the exception that proves the rule. Plus, every other damn newspaper is equally guilty.)

But I digress. Maybe I am being slightly too harsh with The Straits Times.

Yet the fact of the matter is, the media is getting increasingly shallow. I don't really care about the latest sex scandal of Celebrity X (sound familiar?), and I care even less about Taylor Lautner's opinion of bleeding Eclipse for goodness' sake. While to an extent, newspapers have a right, perhaps even an obligation, to entertain (insofar as comic strips like Brewster Rockit: Space Guy can even be considered entertainment), it should hardly be their main purpose. Plus, who says you can't be both thought provoking and entertaining? Bizzaro (I still can't believe they don't have that anymore when they have bloody Brewster Rockit)? Sherman's Lagoon?

Unfortunately, it seems that this is exactly what seems to be required of the local media, if they are to cater to Singaporean tastes.

And again, I have digressed. So getting back to the question at hand, why did The Straits Times find it necessary to place an article like that on the front page? [2]

Answer: The Straits Times, after all, needs to sell itself. (Point of digression number 1) [1] Therefore, The Straits Times attempts to appeal to the local appetite by picking on everyone's favourite "prestigious junior college in the Bishan district", because people love that, and which the local media has increasingly grown accustomed to providing. (Point of digression number 2) [1]

Why anything that involves a Raffles school is so damnably newsworthy is something that amazes me, though unfortunately, the stupidity of the masses is something that at this point does not. Oh, well, at least when it's negative. Positive contributions don't make the front page nearly as reliably as scandals (whether real or imagined), though to the media's credit, the former is not entirely ignored either.

As both an RI boy and an ex-GEPer (Oh no! I'm part of the supposed "intellectual elite"! My opinion is now invalid!), I have found the (frankly, childish) nitpicking of every little "controversy" (again, whether real or imagined) to be profoundly tiresome. It seems that nowadays possessing a modicum of upbringing and good sense is tantamount to high treason.

I certainly do not mean that each and every Rafflesian or GEPer is the embodiment of all that is good and pure, nor do I want to even begin to suggest that those who are not are complete and utter idiots. Nothing could be further from the truth than these, absolute and sweeping statements as they are.

However, I do believe that there seems to be a genuine effort to villify intellectuals, but in particular, those who can be more easily dissed without societal backlash. (See also: The article under discussion. RI is, you must to some degree admit, symbolic of the intellectual. If you must see how disregarded sensible opinions are in a vacuum however, look no further than your average online forum.) Or perhaps this simply applies to anyone who has ever experienced success. (See also: Jack Neo, Tiger Woods) There is a great deal of schadenfreude surrounding any perceived fall from grace.

Really though, all I want to do is enjoy my World Cup Final in relative peace. (As much peace as I can derive from a final without Germany at least.) So if you must seethe in jealous rage as I stay over at a friend's place for the night, cheering for the Dutch, please do so quietly, and sensibly.

I thank you (grudgingly) however, Amelia Tan and Hoe Pei Shan, for providing me with a night's worth of amusement. There are few things more farcical than making a big deal out of cleverly choosing to place a school-declared holiday (already pre-determined to occur at some date), on a day where multiple members of staff and a select portion of students would turn up to school half-conscious irregardless.

Then again, I would expect nothing less than bigotry from the same society that earlier this Friday required me to explain the difference between moe and child pornography, in order to morally justify (why should I even have to) my anime-watching habits at large. (Which are, read: Not necessarily, nor in actual fact, moe-centric.)

oddities are taking over my brain!

2010-06-24T22:12:00.003+08:00

There's something to be said about the things in life that give you an inexplicable sense of satisfaction without actually having done anything. Oh, for example, watching a good show.

(Or reading a good book, or similar. I've found over time that I really don't differentiate between mediums as much anymore. If it's a good story, it's a good story, whether it's written/animated/live acted/a game<--!!!) Anyway, having (finally) finished watching Bakemonogatari (the TV episodes anyway, haven't touched the webcast), I was sitting there rather passively, basking in a sort of warm satisfaction that comes from watching a good romantic scene. Araragi x Senjougahara is quite likely the best pair I have ever seen, and it is unlikely that any relationship will trump theirs anytime soon, especially not with the way the anime scene seems to be going. Anyway, one year late reviews aside (I don't know what possessed me into taking a break from Bakemonogatari. The same thing that forced me out of anime in general too I suppose. I'm honestly having difficulty imagining what I spent my time doing, but knowing myself, it's not too hard to find something engaging to read on the Internet, so...), the reason for this post is.. Well. Well the funny thing is that I don't really know. I was just overcome by a sudden desire to post something. How does that work? *pauses* Well I suppose as it is I might as well go on with my current train of thought. Attraction towards wholly fictional characters is a problem. (It could probably be classified as a sort of mental disease.) Fortunately though, most of us get over most of them rather quickly and painlessly. (I say this at least, for those of us who have experienced this, I'm hoping that isn't too small a minority...) Why is this? Well perhaps a part of us (biologically speaking I mean) knows that this fascination is being directed towards an imaginary source. Don't ask me how this works, I don't even entirely get how the Westermarck effect works, or how attraction works at all. But hey, I'm putting out such a hypothesis, because whatever the reasons may be, certainly no one has ever pined to death over a fictitious character (while on the other hand I daresay many extremes have been resorted to over real and less perfect people). At least, I'm hoping no one has, and I certainly don't intend to either as far as I can avoid that. Possibly however, falling in love with the idea of love is a valid way of describing a direction I've oft wondered if I may be headed towards. Now I would be the first person to admit that I am a total sucker for romance. I am (insofar as it describes a preference) a romantic, and certainly to some extent I hold romantic ideals such as chivalry (again, insofar as I describe a preference. Under no circumstances would I dare to assert myself to be in any way chivalrous, though if you find me so, domou arigatou, and you may confess to me at a later time.) What I mean is, I am definitely attracted to ideas of well, ideals. Romantic ideals, to be specific. But what is the point of saying all this, oh one of the Pizza?

Now all will be revealed in due course, young one, but here, let me ramble on a little longer.

So what I am saying is, I love romantic ideals. I also love all of the necessary emotional baggage (oh here it comes) that must necessarily accompany a true tear-jerking romance. Before I continue, I would like to address a few concerns that a few of my readers (potential readers) may decide to raise.

No, I am not (entirely) an emotional masochist. I love a bit of drama, but certainly I could do without it, and I most definitely will not actively seek out emotional trauma just to indulge myself in some good ol' "character backstory development". Plus I have a decent backstory already, no need for additional events, it'll just make it more confusing for the audience. To the extent that I play up these events (also a concern I've heard), well, I have no real retort to that. I mean, I certainly find them to be do-ra-matic, or at least, worthy of whatever emphasis that I place upon them. I wouldn't say I milk them endlessly, but then again, that's something difficult for me to judge for myself isn't it?

I would like to say that at least, if (IF!) I do, that's me at my worst, and not "normal me".

Drama IS certainly part of any good story though (imo), and y'know what, I'll admit that if my life were to be a good story I would very pleased. Here's the difference though, I want my life to be an interesting one, not a dramatic one that happens to be interesting.

Do you get it now?

Quite simply, I just really want life to quit being average and boring. (Hey does that sound familiar to you? How many stories do you know start with something like that? Haha.) Whether this happens by me gaining supernatural abilities, a sudden crisis befalling me through which I encounter an entertaining cast of characters, or even something really terrible (that ends up having a good end), I'm all up for it as long as it's interesting.

When I phrase it like that, then it doesn't sound so bad does it?

But wait!

Remember what I said earlier? I'm a total sucker for romance!

That's right folks, if there was one genre I could transform my life story into with a snap of my fingers, it would be a romance.

Oh you horndog you.

Now just wait a minute there, there's a difference. You see, I genuinely like the idea of a loving, trusting relationship.

In fact, you know what? I think a relationship more or less exactly like that depicted in Bakemonogatari (ohshi) would be a great one! (See what I did there? I managed to make it all relevant somehow!)

And, reader, this is what I have written all this buildup for:

Senjougahara fascination.

I am quite truthfully, smitten. Not necessarily with Senjougahara the character, but with Senjougahara the idea.

Now early on their relationship was really sweet. And while it would certainly not do it justice to say, "And that was really all there ever was to it." It would undercut the real point I'm trying to make here. That their first date (in the last episode lol) was quite possibly the best first date (conceptually) ever. That was what really did it for me. What elevated a "good pairing" to "oh wow do want".

Now if at this point you're backing away and alternating shooting disgusted glances at me, and worried glances at the nearest phone, wondering if you can make it in time, and if I'll attack before the police arrive, then, well. (Well?) There's really nothing I can say to redeem myself.

But for the less weirded out reader, give me just a bit more time to explain myself.

This is certainly not the first time in my life that I've thought, "Wow, I guess I won't fall in love, ever, anymore." It definitely isn't, and obviously I've never kept such a mindset permanently, seeing as I can now tell you how my outlook has changed slightly. But the thought has really, always been there, lurking.

"There's really no way you can beat something like that."

And there, I've gone and said it. It's that simple.

Real life isn't that beautiful, real life isn't that contrived.

Real life doesn't spontaneously summon oddities like Crab Gods, Lost Snail Spirits, Rainy Devils, Snake Constrictor Spirits or Cats(?)/Cat Spirit Things, which just so happen to inject just the right balance of comedy, drama, intrigue and of course, romance into your life.

That's reality, and there's no escaping that.

Life isn't a fairy tale, and as much as every little girl one day grows up and realises Prince Charming will never come for her on a beautiful white horse to sweep her off her feet and make her his bride, I'm not that little girl.

I'm that little stable boy fastening the saddle to Prince Charming's horse, wondering what kind of marvelous adventure he might get up to. Or if you want to transcend the meta-layer, then I'm the middle aged writer, wondering if life can ever truly be anywhere near as magical, and wishing, hoping fervently that it does.

I'm not the reader, (not all the time anyway). I am a crafter, a creator of worlds. Imagination and storytelling is in my nature (and maybe that gives me a greater appreciation for the beauty of fiction as well). And the difference, just maybe, is that the readers are the jaded ones, taking a short break from reality by immersing themselves, temporarily, in a comfortable cocoon of fluffy, beautiful thoughts.

But what does the spinner of such exquisite silk think? I'd like to think anyway, that all writers write because they hope. They hope that they can weave such magic into reality.

And it's moments when you suddenly realise how impossible it is that you start to feel (just a little bit) depressed.

It's the thought of possible experiences slipping away through your fingers, impossible to grasp. And the thought of it being so perfect, so much better than reality, makes you feel that perhaps, you'll never be truly happy.

Maybe that's the cruel fate for all those who dream.

I, who place so much value upon savouring experiences, feelings, cannot stand to not only never be able to appreciate first hand everything, in all its wondrous hues and shades of subtlety, but to also never fathom the greatest heights of emotion. If the former already kills me, the latter damns me to hell.

Such is the perennial concern, and regret of my life.

IMMA COOKIEBURRA

2010-05-11T23:52:00.001+08:00

IMMA COOKIEBURRA.

*image placeholder*

come on internets, i know you can, so get out there and work on it!

vague mishmash - well, it has to go somewhere.

2010-04-16T22:28:00.001+08:00

It's the weirdest sort of irony when you find that one wish indeed was granted, but that the circumstances have changed so much that it longer becomes a joy to you. In fact, all it does is induce a sort of bitterness, a sense of hopelessness. You ask, why grant this wish of all of them? Why now? Why only after such events, in such a situation?

Why is it then when you have gained such faith, in God, in life, in everything, that I find myself so incredibly lost? It's almost as if it were all truly a deal with the devil. The ridiculous optimism you possess, so ridiculously unfounded in every possible way, how do you cling to it? And why, why then is it that when I gaze upon this, all it brings to me is a wistful, maybe even a slightly mocking, pitying, knowing, resigned smile? Why does it not encourage me, but instead cast me into sorrow? Why does it bring nostalgia and not hope?

If the deal has been struck, if such a contract was seen, approved, and effected, then is it time to go quietly?

What a waste of time it's been, all these years. Toil, patience, charity, faithfulness.

For what?

---

And it's with conflicting emotions that I consider the world.

How should I react? With compassion or intense hatred?

What's worth saving, is anything worth saving at all?

Is there necessarily a second side to the coin?

Why should there be?

Where are we going, how are we getting there?

When? Why?

Who?

I may not be the most decent person in the world, but isn't that just depressing then?

If even from here, there is so much wrong, so much ignorance, so much depravity, perhaps to go any higher would finally break me completely.

Are people so blind? Apparently they are. They break, they sin, and all with a ridiculous sense of self-righteousness to boot. Is self-awareness such a rarity? Are we just that thick? How do we so effectively rationalize and justify wrongs in our minds? Why are the people who ought to realize this the last people on earth who will ever ever do?

Why can I rant about this all I want and never carry my message to those who need to hear it, and drill the thought into their thick, imbecilic, morally unjustifiable skulls?

Maybe all or none of us deserve to exist, but I certainly believe some deserve it more than others. I believe that there is, or at least, ought to be a sliding scale of some sort.

---

How do you make up for affinity?

Some people simply exist as two perfect parts of a whole. Others will never meet, and still others will collide, and drift apart again.

Why do I lack affinity? For anything or anyone?

In part perhaps, you could blame me for an overly idealistic interpretation of affinity, but even that I sometimes believe, cannot account for what can only be described as a social anomaly.

Am I socially impaired in some way?

Why is it that I look around me and see all sorts of people existing in a state of if not harmony, a commendable approximation of it? From whence this understanding and empathy? Why do I feel somehow inadequate in approaching a similar level of the same?

---

Vagueness is a necessity if I vent in public, and venting in private (a real diary if you will) does no good. It's like a game I can't win either way.

Acacia sounds good, but I wonder if I can or ought to get it at all.

to-do list

2010-03-27T15:32:00.001+08:00

1. do a playthrough of ragnarok ds
2. do a second run of luminous arc (undubbed) in anticipation of luminous arc 3
3. do a second run of luminous arc 2 (undubbed) in anticipation of luminous arc 3
4. study (srs)

could you call this disappointment?

2010-03-13T00:30:00.002+08:00

there is neither charity nor justice.

there is neither action nor remorse.

for those who can smile, rejoice

but unfortunately, and for no one but myself

i can only despair.

half a dozen

2010-03-05T22:37:00.002+08:00

i'd never forget, not then, not now.

not ever.

but as time marches onwards, perhaps one day so will i.

now i've chosen a new path, and for now, i will fight, and push on till i see its end.

admiration is furthest from understanding, that is a truth that has only recently struck home.

perhaps so. but i'll keep on walking and do what i can.

even if i never reach the end i sought, even if it never was possible.

maybe one day i can say "ah, i understand now"

and in that distant illusion, i would stand there, an equal.

change

i get derailed (every single time)

2010-03-04T22:37:00.003+08:00

i think i've got my hands pretty full. (again!)

i swear i have this knack for biting off more than i chew. and every time i actually pull myself together and muster up some determination, i always find that the problems are a little more overwhelming than they usually are, and eventually even with that spark i quickly run out of steam.

between catching up on overdue work, getting back on track academically with CTs round the corner (and A levels this year), figuring out what being campmaster for this year's youth camp entails, ssef and the requisite poster, informing my mentor i'm in ssef and sending a copy of the poster out of courtesy and for review (something that i preferably need to get done as early as possible, something i realised no longer includes today, and also being something i need to get done by tomorrow at the very latest if i expect a reply of any sort at all, and even then i might not get one), i'm not sure i can keep up at all.

this is also All My Fault™ of course, but fact of the matter is, right now i've got a lot on my plate, and i don't like it at all.

ssef for example, is a blessing (a little) and a curse (lots). in the first place i really can't be bothered about feedback on my poster, but it's an important courtesy, and i understand the rationale behind it as well. i have no issue with THAT.

what i DO take issue with is that to be fair, it's not like i knew very far in advance i'd have to do ANYTHING for the ssef. plus, i hardly see why i should be the only one shortlisted out of the 3 of us who went to TMSI too, nor why i should be alongside the whole bunch of assorted science jeeniuzes who both have better projects as well as more experience with this sort of stuff.

this isn't "oh you're as good as them be happy it shows your project is good blah blah blah" because no one who actually knows my project has actually said they thought so, and i would be inclined to agree with them.

i'm hardly one of the select group of names you always hear when we've come back from the Generic Recent Prestigious Science Competition, and for good reason. they're equipped for this. i'm not. it is several levels of unreasonable for me to be competing with them at all, because i'm wasting time (2 and a half days worth for the actual event itself, not to mention the other time it wastes as collateral damage) and money (20 bucks to print the poster. call me a miser, but while it may not be a huge sum, it's pretty significant when i know i'm effectively paying them to waste my time, bore the living daylights out of me, stress me to no end, and to generally sit around being every bit inferior to project-on-left and project-on-right). it'd hardly be as bad if i wasn't in this alone too, but i am.

this generates a whole lot of dissatisfaction on my part. while i know in my head that "this looks good in the 'monial", for one i'm not good at writing them. the last time i did it in sec4 it was just terrible. i'm sorry. now i'd be the first to admit that i'm not mr. epitome of modesty (though to be fair i think i am undercredited to some extent regarding that particular trait), but really, i CANNOT SELL MYSELF ON THAT THING. i'm just a few degrees too self-conscious for that i'm afraid.

in addition, considering the epic screw up that was my h3 oral defence (another great source of bitternes, considering i had to pay SEAB a good sum to get an examination at all), i hardly think it makes a difference. who's going to see "oh hey he got into ssef" when you also have this thing that says "h3 SRP: fail"? i'm not kidding about failing OD. i've never SEEN anyone screwup the way i did, let alone ever experienced anything remotely similar. it totally redefined "i just screwed up my oral presentation". i certainly hope nothing approaching that ever happens again.

really, what a great moment to fail, on my h3 OD. which didn't come cheap. and i only had one shot at. and i wasted a good amount of my time on.

heck, even considering how far i've gotten, i wonder. was it a net positive? what i've had to give up, what i've lost, all the pain stress and annoyance i've gotten from this, i don't know. i don't want to sound/be ungrateful, because this IS still better than i deserve/expected/whatever i don't really care, but still, in many ways it SUCKS TO BE ME. and unless i find out that all this actually made a significant difference in my chances for a course in uni or a job interview or sth, i would not hesitate a moment to trade it in for the life i lost back. ("the experience?" i'm sorry, i don't mean to discount your opinion, but you really don't know what you're talking about. BUT ISN'T IT SOMETHING YOU ENJOY? DIDN'T YOU SIGN UP FOR IT YOURSELF? i know, i KNOW freaking dammit.)

and i can't even rant in peace of course (see while typing that i had to hijack the mac because my brother needs to get his work done. really, can't i have a netbook or something? what about the other computer? 3 computers and you always need to use the vista? really? then can i have the other one? no?), call me selfish, but i need (want, whatever stupid semantics demon) to vent, and i'm sure as hell going to do that. give me a few hours of utter disgusting selfishness, it's not too different from the me inside anyway. disgusting.

in a way it's like some strange joke. i SUCK at this, but i'm being dragged along for the ride. because it's funny that way. it wouldn't be bad if i were some brilliant child prodigy, effortlessly sweeping the prizes like it's the most natural thing in the world to do, but i'm NOT. there are infinitely better people than me, and to have done this is just giving me false hope. (hey results, prove me wrong, i'd really love for you to, i'm completely honest here.) the only problem is, if i'm really honest with myself, if i ask "do you think you can win this? maybe not gold or silver or anything, but just a merit award maybe?" my answer would be a very subdued "no."

i guess nowadays i'm more stressed and worried about how my life will turn out than anything else. the emotional disturbance i have is still significant, but it's (i think) largely being aggravated and blown out of proportion due to "great i'm screwing up my life" emotions.

honestly maybe i just made that up. i'm in no state to assess how much i'm affected by what.

i'm imperfect, repulsively so. saying those words make me want to claw at my throat and retch. but it's true. there are so many things i cannot stand about myself. and the worst thing is that there's nothing to be done. you can't change what you've DONE, and you can't change what you WERE. and anyone who says that isn't enough to mar someone for eternity is lying.

the past is an indelible stain, and it will be noticed, it will be judged. i hate it. emotionally unstable? taxing? a burden? of course. no matter how you sugar coat it, that's what i am. and that's a mark i will carry forever (among many many others).

"so abel, are you depressed?" is a question you may be asking. hell yes i am.

i don't get it. it's not like i don't try. it sucks, it does. i overdramatize? maybe i do, but one thing i can tell you i'm not overdramatizing is how i feel about it. i am genuinely angry, i am genuinely sad, i am genuinely dissatisfied. and in the end, it's not like i wasted today either. i DID do something today. i DID make an effort. but i can't do it. i have no idea how the hell you solve question 8 for the assignment, i have no idea what i need to do to have an awesome ssef poster, i have no idea how i can convince myself that there are things worth doing, or how i can believe that i have hope.

envy? the grass is greener on the other side?

how can you be so certain? what puts you in a position to judge?

it's not the same. your mind doesn't torment you, refuse to give you rest. don't overthink? stop worrying so much? don't ponder questions you can never know the answer to?

if only! i would willingly let you rewire my thought processes, force me to work, force me to relinquish negativity and seeking impossible understanding. it's torture in here, even when i don't have anything specific to think about.

at the very end i always feel all alone. again.

depression has almost become the only constant in my life. perhaps that's all the reality i have.

change? can i? should i?

will it even make a difference to you or me or anyone?

the world is taunting me, or it might not be, but i wouldn't know anyway.

everything is scary, because i don't understand it.

i don't know who you are, i can't understand you.

not you, not anyone.

it's not like i don't want to, but i just don't, i just can't.

so all i can see is a hall of mirrors, distorted images of myself, sneering.

that's all. that's the limit of my understanding.

throwing in the towel

2010-03-03T21:12:00.002+08:00

you say it like it's even remotely possible

---

life has been interesting of late i suppose, if it had to be described.

at this point though certainly i am wondering what i am doing with my time, especially considering i have quite an amount of things i ought to be doing.

i wouldn't say i've found direction, but i'm probably starting to move, slowly.

where to i don't really know.

just for today

2010-02-10T21:56:00.000+08:00

just for one last day.

i promise.

okay?

all things considered

2010-02-09T21:10:00.002+08:00

sometimes i worry, am i coming across right?

do i successfully convey what i'm saying or thinking?

whether i'm sarcastic, joking, truthful, lying, can you tell?

can you understand what i am, who i am?

do you know who i am?

but then, maybe even if not everyone can

i think

i do have a lot already

hey, you know who i am, right?

---

even then, i guess as it is, i should be contented?

and even if it's not true, it doesn't hurt to be deluded, does it?

closing sign

2010-02-04T21:46:00.003+08:00

no one is an island unto themselves, but we're all born with an ocean between us.

a distance that can only be reduced

but never fully removed.

is one to determine or to be determined?

damn you shakespeare.

i'll just wallow in misery, radiate hostility, and live alone like i would anyway, only without the hopes that only bring disappointment, loss and utter confusion.

call it what you will

2010-02-03T22:24:00.002+08:00

looking for a listening ear. (just remember of course whose ranting you'll be subjecting yourself to)

one more time, one more chance

2010-01-28T22:42:00.002+08:00

yesterday jap club screened 5cm/s (AFTER some cleaning up/useless fooling around and arguing about why having to do the hiroshima info board is just several kinds of stupid). which meant i was more or less obligated to rewatch the movie, but at the very least, 5cm was one of those things i thought i could actually stand to watch again. and i was proven right of course.

it also made me realise that after all this time i still HADN'T gotten the ending theme, a problem which i promptly rectified. it really is a nice song.

seeing it all over again also made it that much more meaningful, since i started seeing symbolism and depth which i had failed to see the first time i viewed it. that was pretty nice.

on the other hand, 5cm, despite the bittersweet end, is still i find, more bitter than sweet for me.

this is not at all aided by the fact that i am, apparently, suffering from a relapse into my old state. i.e. depressed to the extent of being a problem. in fact, it might have aggravated the problem a bit, but i don't know.

---

in the way it was possibly a bittersweet end? though i don't know, my circumstances do seem both less sweet and more bitter compared to that. or it could be my perception warping reality.

speaking of which, writer's guild actually had a writing session for the first time in a long time!

the topic was "whatever" then "perception".

after (lots of) fooling around, including a haiku that went something like

perception varies
this may not seem like a haiku
but it is to me

(yes, it is intentional, even i don't like writing something that inane without at least having something deeper to show for it.)

eventually i came up with ideas such as

writing a simple scenario, but from the perspective of 20(? largely an arbitrary number) different people who all perceive it in rather different ways. which was interesting, but i couldn't be bothered to come up with a scenario to interpret.

the second was a poem, entitled wavelengths.

why? because i've realised it's been something on my mind of late. being on the same wavelength as someone. affinity and the lack of it.

...

yeah okay, MOSTLY the lack of it.

i don't know, i don't like it either, i wish i could be on the same wavelength as other people, but i don't think i can honestly say i've ever been. ugh.

moving on (see what i mean! this whole "oh i'm depressed" thing is really making a mess of things), the poem itself, in all its raw glory (or lack of it). this is a perfect example of why poems are rarely any good when first written, and need lots (and lots) of refinement for it to actually even APPROACH decency, let alone being good. but i actually like the core idea i had that inspired the poem, so.. (oh i guess i ended up veering off "perception" but whatever, it was a anything goes topic at first anyway)

Wavelengths

the smaller the wavelength,
the greater the penetration.
or so it is said.
through space, and
perhaps eternity, never pausing to
become ensnared by earthly foolishness.
foolish wonders that see within, and see
but do not see the heart. slowly, surely
sterilizing our water, our lives
sterilized, devoid of impurity,
or is it goodness that has
departed from us all?
three hundred and eighty violets are four
hundred and fifty blue, empty words yet
(i love you) four hundred and ninety five
green landscapes of calm, yet as i turn five
hundred and seventy yellowed pages and
seek that five hundred and ninety orange
glazed sky where we sat, reminiscing six
hundred and twenty red haze of rage, passion
hatred, bloodshot eyes, red seven hundred
and fifty flushed, warm, heat, no longer
red, cheeks, tearstained, radiating
warmth. but what use for warmth which does not grant another
comfort? water boils, meat cooks, but hearts do not share heat
unless in proximity, proximity ours do not possess, our wavelengths
different. my soul cannot reach yours the way my voice can as you
weep audibly though the phone, and you never, never hear my reply.

---

to be honest i am reasonably pleased with it, all things considered i think i cobbled together something at least interesting within the time i had.

as for now, i'll probably go back to being depressed, and again, hope it doesn't last too long, or get any worse.

that seems unlikely for now though.

i wonder if i should?

alignment change

2010-01-21T21:33:00.002+08:00

"i am determined to prove a villain"

has quite quickly become one of my favourite lines ever.

---

it's easy to sink into despair, and even easier to stay in it.

and it just gets harder to swim out of it the deeper you fall.

i have probably become a lost cause, in which case, perhaps a fundamental change of character is due.

villainy is a fascinating path, and at any rate, it does not seem like a path any more negative than the one taken now, and as a bonus, has the added bonus of selfish satisfaction.

society deserves villainy in the first place, and this fair exchange seems logical, rather than the foolish pursuit of some ideal or moral high ground.

if the world, reality, circumstances, have no qualms about throwing stones at you, i'd rather be stoned with as much guilt and indulgent hedonism as i can carry with me.

what's the point of goodness?

you're not removing any evil.

you take away your own you say?

fuck that.

there's more to come

2010-01-13T17:48:00.003+08:00

after my valiant efforts, at around 5am today, throat sore, eyes dry, nose stuffed and ears blocked, srp (the h3 one at least) was conquered.

waking up about 5 hours later, i forced my abused body to get round to finishing up the ssef one, as well as printing, filling up forms, etc. etc.

i don't know how i managed to, with my mind more or less a wreck since yesterday afternoon. but whatever it is, srp (reports) are over. sure, it probably (definitely) sucks, but it got done, and i didn't end up killing myself while doing it in the state i was (not entirely anyway).

miraculously i am feeling slightly better now. the throat is hurting less anyway, and i anticipate a full recovery come monday.

but it still sucked.

---

this more or less led to me arriving for open house so late i might as well have not gone. whatever i guess. it probably didn't matter that much to anyone other than myself. since i would have had to make the trip down to submit the report anyway, i guess i'm not that upset about it.

or at least not about arriving late to man the booth.

---

one trial down, but there's far more to come. minor things include the chemistry test, but if i failed the bio one i don't see why i should bother too much with this one too. *shrug*

srp oral defence in a month or two i think. hopefully that will be less taxing. i think it *should* be less so.

i hope i make it out of this year all right. and i hope i don't have to lose too much in order to acheive that. i'm not sure if that's at all possible though.

on a final note, reminders aren't all that good. they throw you into confusion.

2010

2010-01-11T20:36:00.002+08:00

apparently people read this(!) and i suppose there are things to be said, so here's a post.

it's a new year. that's usually supposed to entail new beginnings, a fresh start.

but you know as well as i how arbitrary a calendar year is.

reality has no breaks, no new chapters.

it is endless, incoherent, unforgiving.

time, really, is meaningless, yet so often, its passage,
its vanishment,
its absence.
they mean so much.

it isn't just a matter of our finite lifespans either.

because even with the benefit of infinity, time is a one-way street.

the past stays the past, and it will eternally be so, irregardless of however much time you have left.

in some way, all infinity provides is infinite regret.

the irreparable vase is something i have largely accepted as reality.

what is broken can never be truly repaired. a perfect restoration is never ever possible.

i have once mentioned that the broken shards of life can never be repaired, yet what we can do is change them into a mosaic, to create something new and beautiful in its own right.

yet a mosaic eternally bears the scars of what was once part of a whole.

perhaps even my words of consolation to others are cheap, if i cannot console myself.

---

i once thought of emotion and experience as something like this.

from the beginning of our existence, the form reality takes in our mind, its flavour if you will, is a clean slate.

however as time passes us by, every moment that we live becomes layered onto this plain base. life acquires a flavour.

and every experience has a unique flavour.

two people doing the same thing at the exact same time do not experience the same thing.

this is because the way they perceive reality is affected by their past.

each event has a different flavour. perhaps it would even be wrong to say each event possesses the same trait when experienced by a different subject.

my opinion is this. that every moment is of a unique composition, of a unique flavour, and leaves its unique impression upon the subject.

if your life thus far has been a certain way, that taste affects the flavour of the next experience. and each flavour is unique. no two experiences are the same.

i am not, for example, suggesting that life is a sandwich made out of a ham, cheese and lettuce for some, and ham, eggs and tomatoes for another, thus creating two different sandwiches.

it would be say, placing a slice of ham. the next ingredient would not be layered on as merely a piece of cheese, but a sort of ham-tainted cheese, if that analogy would help anyone.

that is to say the flavour of a single moment is changed by prior experiences, and then this already altered flavour is layered on top of the other to generate the sort of emotion one experiences

no, perhaps even this is inaccurate. things exist as an objective reality, and any flavour they possess is something we have given to it.

life thus has a unique flavour, and one can never change the way in which life has already been flavoured.

merely relating an event to someone cannot thus produce an emotion similar to what one has experienced, simply because the objective reality of the moment can be interpreted in not one, not two, but literally in an infinite amount of ways.

over time, reality becomes perceived in this vague mishmash of emotions. like a strange concoction mixed in a blender fitting for a gameshow.

the effects of life and experience are irreversible.

the complexity and uniqueness of each moment is staggering.

---

it's tiring.

life comes with duties.

whether these are self-imposed, imposed by society, or specific persons, duties are something forced upon everyone.

how do you interprete reality? perhaps it doesn't matter, and perhaps no one way is more right than another.

is there any meaning in searching for a truth, an absolute certainty, a constant?

is meaning necessary?

does meaning, or the truth, exist?

would you be content with living life and these duties in any way you like?

perhaps thinking out life is a duty i have imposed upon myself.

it is a rather troubling one.

i look for rules, objectives.

how do we live life?

why do we live life?

can i summarize my thoughts with these?

i don't know.

---

this year is just a continuation for me.

the troubles, the duties, but also the precious joys, from last year, are carried over seamlessly.

there are no breaks, we play a continuous game.

even as i sit, pondering my moves, i must make them.

if i don't

(when i don't)
because i know i often don't

i lose yet another precious turn.

---

advise me, how should i proceed?

magic, umineko style

2009-12-20T19:39:00.002+08:00

perhaps miracles have already been achieved then.

yet why am i dissatisfied?

is it because i was unable to accept the magic in my life?

because i insisted there was no witch, no magic, there must be a 19th person.

there is much i can look upon and say, that there, was magic.

am i looking for a perfect kakera?

do i brush aside everything else and only gaze upon the sadness in my own masochistic way?

but none of us are right, and that much i know.

like fogged crossroads

signless

to the electronics store

2009-12-13T23:00:00.002+08:00

that does it. whatever it is, whether it's justifiable or not, i am fed up.

life is just being a failure, inferiority complex is RAGING, time is slipping, RUSHING away, nothing is being accomplished, I SUCK, LIFE SUCKS, TIME IS A BITCH and i don't know the winning move for this stupid game of life.

incoherency is the last refuge for the broken. -_-

(in case you still don't get it, i've blown more than my fair share of fuses.)

valu(able)

2009-11-23T22:47:00.002+08:00

if this wandering is folly

tell me

what is my goal?

give me a meaning

a reason

let me be

or have something

of value

something of value to cling on to.

(you see i know the things i'm losing but i'm not sure what i'm to keep)

dazed, crumple

2009-11-17T20:22:00.002+08:00

these days are getting more and more confusing

i'm losing myself

i'm losing it

what was it i was supposed to do, and what was it that i wanted?

how does one right wrongs

what does one do with wrongs

is there that which is

unforgivable?

can one restore perfectly that which is broken?

how does one change the past

we who must live in present

and fear the future

how does one
accept
be accepted
know acceptance
to be true?

who
can
love
me?

none of us are as cruel as all of us

2009-11-13T19:22:00.002+08:00

says anonymous.

---

why are people so screwed up. it makes one wonder.

one screwed up person triggers the formation of the next.

and even when someone decides to try to break this vicious cycle, and rise above it

they get ignored. thrown aside, mocked, then stoned to death.

and again, cruelty is born.

it almost makes one unsympathetic for all forms of human misery.

stubborn fools

2009-11-11T08:56:00.002+08:00

life should be lived something like this:

resolve the past,
hope for the future,
but most importantly,
live today.

yet how things really are:

chained by the past,
i fear the future,
and worst of all
i stumble blindly today.

"blog"

2009-10-25T22:26:00.002+08:00

if one thinks about it, the whole idea of a blog is a truly strange concept.

the seeming contradiction has been brought up time and again.

"a public diary? wth?"

but celestial being comes to the rescue to take on the contradictions of the world upon themselves! exia, exterminating the targets! XD

ahem.

well i guess people are just foolish beings, prone to fickleness and contradiction.

we want to understand and be understood. we want to draw closer, but we only hurt each other as we do so.

so we fear proximity. a kind of social claustrophobia if you will.

the endless irony and contradiction in the convoluted waltz we partake in as humans, social conventions, personal inhibitions, an inevitable reality.

because we want to understand and be understood. we want to draw closer, but we fear we may be hurt, destroyed by the suffocating distance, yet unable to bear the cold alone in our own frigid wastelands of endless sterile white.

so we want to cry out, we want to bare our souls, wear our hearts on our sleeves, but we don't dare to do so in reality.

thus we turn to the strange detachment, dislocation, disembodiment that the internet grants us.

here one cries to a seemingly empty room, and ever so often, if one is fortunate, a ghostly echo from some corner of the globe calls back.

things become a little different however, when it becomes something frequented by people one personally encounters on a daily basis. and there are certain things one becomes acutely aware of.

now there are always things one does not say on the internet, regardless of readership. there are some things that still render a blog different from a real diary. yet this contrast is further pronounced under the circumstances of a more "real" audience.

because we humans are creatures of contradiction. we want to be heard, but we don't want them to hear.

because all we really want is for someone to draw close to us, to embrace us for who we are, in all our painful contradiction, accepting, even loving, the flaws that define us. but we fear that who we are will render such a connection unlikely, or impossible. sometimes perhaps, we may be convinced that we know so.

but because we want to be heard, without being heard

because we want to convey something without hurting anyone else

because of that, even now, we still cry out.

because it's okay not to smile if it won't hurt anybody

to cry in loneliness to the impassive visage of the night.

the things i do

2009-10-24T22:39:00.002+08:00

for pw. x(

i still can't believe i managed to go through all that. i only felt a twinge of shame the first time i put on the wig in public, then after that slutty me took over and i whored myself for the camera.

hardly an exaggeration, the things i do for humour... D=

there's all those OTHER times too, but let's not talk about that.

---

from gwei's pm

"the caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still"

yeah haha it's pretty isn't it.

oh but i still think the caged bird is an idiot really. just stay in your cage, caged bird. -_-

but, hm. sing.

yeah sing i guess, sing all you want.

and keep on singing~

crack is cheaper

2009-10-23T20:32:00.002+08:00

so after almost a week of careful consideration, i have arrived at several options.

how shall i build my sword impulse? let me count the ways

1. get an airbrush and compressor

at this point i'm pretty convinced that this will easily result in the best looking model. however, here comes the problem. the cost of an airbrush and compressor will prolly be around say... $400 ish?

hm.. it'll be pretty hard to persuade my parents to allow something like this, so eh... D=

but in the long run such an investment would probably be a good idea so i donno...

2. handpaint the whole thing

cheaper than option 1 for sure, and has the potential to look about as good assuming a good paintjob. of course, this brings up several issues.

firstly, skill. or lack thereof. as far as i've read, painting everything by hand if you're a noob is a surefire way to entirely ruin one's model into an unforgivably ugly mess. secondly, there's the bit about airbrushing pretty much being a superior option. it'll definitely look nicer that way, of that much i'm convinced (anyone thinks otherwise?) thirdly i still do have to obtain good paints and fine brushes, thinner, etc. and i'm not entirely sure on the details, but generally with this being easier to mess up than most options, and i being unclear on how one can fix mistakes made (if that is at all possible), i'm rather iffy on going through with this. (if i can be convinced that any mistakes made can be fixed at minimal cost and look just as good, then it'll probably go a long way in me choosing this option.

3. just panel line the thing. thazz all. nothing else.

beginning to seriously consider this because even with just this little bit of effort, i can make the model look damn nice. minimal effort+still looking damn sexaye is very very appealing. sure it won't look as epic as a proper paintjob, but if i can't get all the necessary (and very costly) equipment now, i guess settling for a nicely lined sword impulse isn't too bad. i'm reasonably sure however it goes it won't turn out UGLY at least. very low risk, and it'll only cost me a couple extra dollars for some fine point markers.

in addition, i *could* prolly disassemble my model in future and repaint the thing afterwards even if i choose this option. so *possibly* in the future i can make it look pretty. i'm not sure if i'll lose anything appearance wise if i choose this option. ehhh...

if indeed, i can easily just panel line now, and do a proper paintjob in the future (maybe when i actually have a job to support my hobby or sth, i donno) then this would easily be the best option. i mean to be fair, i'm still just a first timer, and i can't make an epic looking model on my first try... so maybe this is a much better option after all?

---

in conclusion, expensive hobby is expensive, and while i hope to probably get all the costly tools in the future (again, when i have a job to support this), right now i'm probably getting ahead of myself if i try too hard. with the financial risks involved, i think just good ol' panel lining and careful cutting and sandpapering may be all i really want/need to do for now. of course, i've also always been quite the perfectionist, so i doubt i'd be really comfortable with just lining. if i can be convinced that after assembly and lining i can still pick the model up again at some later date and sort of do a paintjob on it more or less from scratch (i.e. in the end i can get my perfect pretty sword impulse). my largest concern regarding this is disassembly for painting. (will i ruin the joints? are some of the parts too hard to pull apart after being put together? if so, will painting a partially assembled model still look okay or will it look uglier than if i painted the individual parts?) for the panel lines already on i'm *quite* sure that just doing a paintjob normally and just strengthening the panel lines again at the end of it will produce the exact same effect if i hadn't lined it beforehand. if i'm wrong please correct me, i will insist on a paintjob on the first run in that case x(

tl;dr oh noes i wish i wuz pro at this model building thingamajig

256

2009-10-22T16:33:00.002+08:00

hurhur nice number.

had to post this:
http://megatokyo.com/strip/1238

yeahhh that's how things happen don't they ;(

---

wow, i am freaking paranoid.

it'd be nice if i could forget everything now. (maybe?)

the curious sociometry of you and me

2009-10-20T15:34:00.003+08:00

hoo, for some reason i'm rather tired. problematic. D=

i checked tmr's timetable, and it's terrible. free blocks till bio, then assembly.

like whut. such a flagrant waste of time.

also, to forestall any further questions regarding progress on the sword impulse,
nope, not gonna be done anytime soon, going to get some spray paints and other equipment, as well probably further reading (and hopefully some practice somehow.. or a tutor?)

heh, i need to make sure this model turns out nicely after all, or it'd be such a waste of everyone's efforts.

---

eh, i suck at starting conversations i realise. (in fact, i think i'm pretty bad at iniating anything of any sort. i'd much rather take instructions XD)

i never know what to say.. all i know is just that i would like to talk.

so i sit awkwardly and then i'm like ._.

and as for continuing them... it depends.

i'm not sure how something like this can be corrected too. (if indeed, it deserves/requires correction at all)

i'm quite unsure. hmm.

---

there's something about lecture theatres that inspire sudden bursts of creativity. i donno, maybe it's the whole "oh wow i wanna do sth else right now" part of it. this is becoming more acutely felt post-promos, and seeing as i haven't done any writing recently, i think it's worth posting a poem, irregardless of its quality (or rather, lack thereof)

(funny how regardless and irregardless mean the same thing! like flammable and inflammable.)

---

inconceivably stunning, criminal,
your careless motions, incomparably precious,
irrationally ensnaring these thoughts,
your distant lips, incomprehensibly orating
improbable words, eerily euphonic,
your laughter, insurmountably near, an
invisible afterimage, clearly present,
your missing shape, incredulously i gaze
impotently at the gap where you were,
your eyes, impossible to meet

and i'm gazing at the gap where you were
as if it'd give me the courage
to look into those impossible eyes

---

speaking of which, PW script needs to be done x(

not sure if it's going to be very funny or good at all >=/

after that i think i'll continue with chapter two of alice drive... i donno. \_(o_O)_/

all a boy wants

2009-10-17T22:57:00.001+08:00

it's past eleven, and i'm beyond tired, not to mention tomorrow's a sunday. thus i am in much need of my precious sleep.

but this is a post i've already put off once yesterday(today for those who want to nitpick) on account of it being 3plus am or later (i didn't even check the clock when i was done) and hardly being able to string together anything coherent other than "thank you thank you thank you". (that's about an infinite thank you's too little)

it's been an insanely eventful 2 days really, and i am absolutely exhausted. still, this must be done by hook or by crook, and if i type out this post in such a state, i have an excuse for insufficiently expressing my feelings through my inadequate prose (though, not a very good one.)

all i can say is, not in my wildest dreams did i imagine anything close to what has actually taken place. (and believe you me, i think they were pretty wild.)

now certainly, i was taught (congratulations everyone, successful attitude change is successful) to expect my birthday to be acknowledged, and celebrated in the usual style. i was entirely expecting it to be remembered, if for no other reason than that i had a whole bunch of awesome people telling me so, and telling me to believe them. (how could i not?)

yet when derwin smsed me (on retrospect, that should have been obvious) where i was, i was merely mildly confused, and replied quickly (or as quickly as i could with the fail phone i then possessed) that i was on the train, and had woken up a little late (due to a wonky alarm clock, which malfunctioned on me today as well by the way. gotta get it changed).

heading up to class (thank god that it was a no-assembly day really), i found the front door locked (i did also observe everyone was sitting in some strange arrangement. i had automatically assumed that a mass conversation of sorts was going on, or something similar. again, two more signs that on hindsight, should have triggered some sort of realization.) and thusly, decided that i should not waste any time in opening the back door.

it was the best kind of shock.

yes i was really surprised, and mostly i was at a total loss for words. what was i supposed to say? thank you? how lame and inadequate. but i said it anyway. i couldn't think of anything else.

skipping ahead a little. the gift. oh wow.

how should i put this.

the first time i ended up gushing about "OH MAN SRSLY THOSE SWORDS ARE AWESOME", i quickly realised that i ought to shut up. mostly because i realised that saying that more or less to a group of friends that generous may have translated into "THIS WOULD BE AN AWESOME PRESENT".

in fact, since there's no point in not saying this anymore, i was rather anxious to make the purchase myself in order to preempt any action of that sort, pending parental approval. in the end, they decided they wanted to GIVE it to me as a gift (though it would be a christmas one, since my birthday gift was going to be a spiffing new handphone. more on that later.)

there have been few moments more confusing. i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY (REALLY) thought the sword impulse gundam was possibly the coolest model kit in existence. and i also knew for a fact that i had been surprised time and again by the sheer love i have been shown by possibly the most awesome group of people in existence. i believed that a gift of that sort may have followed my careless outburst, yet i was afraid. not that my expectations would be betrayed, but quite the opposite. that they would be fulfilled.

for lack of a better word to describe it, i was horrified. my tongue had slipped and i had generated a situation i had to fix. my head was saying on one hand, OH SHI LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOU SELFISH BASTARD and on the other, OH SHI ARE YOU NUTS YOU THINK THEY'LL GET THAT IT'S DAMN EXPENSIVE, QUIT THE ARROGANCE PILLS PLS. i felt like i ought to have said, "but you know, just saying. please don't bother, i don't need it. all i really want is to have friends like you, and i already have that."

long story short, when i felt the box inside, i refused to say what i thought it was, because i both wanted it to be what i thought it was and didn't, at the same time. schrodinger's gift if you will. i wouldn't know whether i'd like the result until i opened it.

if by now you're actually still wondering (how could you!) about what i thought about the gift, i can summarise it in 3 words: too damn awesome. my hands were literally trembling when i tore the paper, and to find out that apparently you have genies/fairy godmothers/etc in the form of the friends right beside you, it would have made anyone without ridiculous expression resistance cry. i was thoughtless to have went on and on about how something that expensive would be awesome to own, but for me to realise that my random comments might possibly be taken seriously (how many people can i say the same about!), and for my most crack-laden dreams to have been met and then exceeded by several orders of magnitude, says a lot about the kind of friends i have.

because in the end, it wasn't the surprise, it wasn't the gift, it wasn't the outing after PW, it wasn't even the massive amount of text which i could not stop myself from having to read despite starting at around 2am-ish in the morning.

it was the effort, the time, the love that i felt every moment of the day that marked my 17th lap around the sun.

there is so much more i feel the need to say. if the gift was a 10 on the scale of awesome, then the written notes would be a 10^99. i feel an overwhelming need to preserve them, and if i had a replicator, i would make copies of them and hug one letter to sleep every day. my face, already rather worn out from smiling for the good part of the day, was forced to work again as i read notes that rendered me quite diabetic.

i realised my expectations cannot be failed anymore. you've all taught me to expect the unexpected, and so i did. because you see, the real surprise was just how much i am cared for. that day i wished i didn't only have 24 hours, because that was hardly enough time. i am half unconscious now, and i'm not sure how much of what i'm typing is making any sense.

i can't thank everyone enough, i can't express how grateful i am to have met people like you. i could go on and on and on, i could write a whole novel about how my class has changed my life.

i want to individually reply to each and every note here, but i guess i'll just keep them private, and i hope that the whole wall of text up there (if you read it) is reply enough (but if not, please just tell me!)

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh my mind is horrid. it's failing me. i can't believe i'm feeling tired when i should be saying more.

is this enough? can my gratitude reach you? i don't know, but i'll hope, and i'll pray. if what i've said can have even as much as half the impact you've had on me, it's already far more than enough for me.

---

and now to some very special people.

sean, and my family.

i'm sorry that i can't devote as much text to you. i wanted to write much longer, but my mind is just rebelling. structure and meaning are just floating and mingling and my thoughts are refusing to fall into place.

hey sean, you said it's okay, since we already know each other so well, right?

but for me it's not, i think i'm not satisfied with how things are.

so for this, i apologize.

i'm sure you can hear me though, right?

so even though i can't write anymore, i hope that you know the extent of my gratefulness, the kind of joy it gave me just to spend the time we did together.

and my blood family, you won't see this, but i'll try harder from now on. for all of you as well, i am so very grateful.

---

in conclusion, to all these people, as well as the other people in my life that make me who i am (if i'm nice and fun to be with, that's only true because you're nice and fun too, after all, it is you who've given me the strength and the reason i need to be who i am). all of you, my family, the people closest to me, the people that define me.

and above all, thank you, God.

未来の為に

2009-10-16T00:09:00.002+08:00

all the joyful things, all the sad things
all the sweet things, all the bitter things
all the laughter, all the tears

i'll walk forward, and i'll face them head on.

i'll continue.

*insert coin*

(i didn't intend to post past midnight, but i guess it kinda worked out eh? happy 17th to me.)

repeat it in red

2009-10-13T21:41:00.001+08:00

it's useless, useless, useless. it's all useless.

i know it better than anyone, but i'm still the most foolish.

by now, really, i should have stopped.

i'm frustrating.

you can't talk to me, okay?

either i won't say enough, or i'll say too much.

i give up. i keep trying, testing.

but oh come on, i know it best don't i.

everyone is just human after all. limited.

this finite patience is not enough.

your understanding and mine, they'll never intersect.

and these emotions, they'll never reach you.

i'm sorry, to understand me, to listen, is too much of a trial for anyone.

you say you can bear it, exuding unwarranted confidence. your false assurances, i know that too.

甘い

people just don't learn, i say, and i never listen to my own advice.

i must revert to what i was again.

愛に近づこうとも　噛み付かれるだけ…って僕は呟いて

i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want to trouble anyone.

and probably, most of all, i don't want to hurt myself anymore.

and i'll repeat it in red too,

probably, most of all, i don't want to hurt myself anymore.

skating on thin ice

2009-10-07T22:52:00.002+08:00

... so when i was on my way home i actually had a much better blogpost in mind, but i forgot what it was like. now i'll just have to resort this much more incoherent and imprecise description of today's experiences and emotions.

first off of course, obligatory YAY PROMOS ARE OVER (for me) comment. whoo! time to make up for that one week of terror by engaging in all sorts of entertainment.

moving swiftly onwards to the events after that, ice skating.

it felt almost like batch dance all over again lol.

however, rather than that, i'll be talking about something entirely different.

i'll be talking about why i still had yet another great day today.

---

life has changed a lot really. seven months ago, i would have never dreamed of anything close. i was... incredibly far from the truth.

if i had to choose between happy or sad, the former would be a choice i have to make.

things aren't perfect, but there's a kind of warmth, a kind of contentment.

today, my feet hurt like hell, and i realised how much i suck at ice skating.

but more importantly, today i spent a vast portion of my waking hours with the friendliest, kindest, funniest people i have ever had the privilege of knowing.

today, i waited an hour for a bus that never came, and was forced into a detour, ending up at home far later than i should have been.

but more importantly, today i spent a good hour plus talking, thinking, laughing, and appreciating.

i apologize if seemed tense during the ice skating. but really, i enjoyed myself regardless. i would not have chosen any other way to have spent those two hours. it didn't matter that i felt nervous about skating for the whole two hours, because i had the best company i could ever hope for.

i thank all those who tried to help me, i really appreciate it. and really, don't worry, i had the greatest time regardless. i almost felt kind of bad. i'm not sure, i couldn't see myself, but whatever face i was putting on, i apologize.

---

there is something scary about how things are now.

with any sort of attachment, the gain of happiness carries along with it an equal fear of loss.

certainly right now, this is something i feel more strongly than ever.

several years from now, how will things have changed?

how many of us will have moved on, drifted apart?

these memories, precious once, fading. vague.

what if i lose this now?

if i drive a wedge between us inadvertently, then will we simply become one of seven billion strangers, indistinguishable, foreign to the other?

if we drift apart now, will it lessen the pain?

but i'm too fearful to wholeheartedly accept that, because i want this to last.

---

i wished to say "forever", but forever is a lie. there's only now or never, and then the day we die.

---

there is a great sense of inadequacy.

to be accepted by such people, and with open arms.

it feels almost unjust, and i feel undeserving.

possibly, this sounds like an exaggeration. and i know maybe you, you will say something cynical. at any rate, speaking of that, sometimes i'm not sure if i know you anymore. i guess it was silly of me anyway.

i'm too small a person.

whatever it is, mock me if you will. i don't think i care anymore. if i've already gone this far, i'll just say what i feel.

i'm not good enough, kind enough, charming enough, intelligent enough, helpful enough, funny enough, understanding enough, close enough.

i didn't earn this favour, and i don't feel safe or right accepting it as it is.

because i have no value, i can only live off charity.

there's nothing which i can use to keep these people with me, nothing to stop them from drifting away.

there's nothing i can do to draw anyone in, and i live off an unearned generosity.

i don't have anything unique, nothing really, that i can give. nothing special, nothing of worth.

i'm a frustrating person, i can only drive people away. you, what is your opinion of me, really?

perhaps all i'm good at is being mediocre. being perverse. being negative. being alone.

---

on a lighter note however, today i got to look at some seriously kickass gundam models. thanks derwin, for showing me around.

great stuff, and i really really want to buy some. i've already got about 4 i have in mind. (on another note, i was surprised to see code geass models too, didn't know they made model knightmares. lancelot conquista looked great.)

first thing i did when i got back was more or less ask if i could get the sword impulse gundam. that thing is one sexy beast. though, the price is a bit steep.. so i understand.

well, mom seemed unwilling, and i guess hobbies are never something that others can really appreciate. she said to ask my dad, but yeah... well... i know it's pretty costly, not everyone gets it.

but this is why i need to get a job in the future isn't it? it's always the geeks who spend their first paycheck on warhammer 40k/DnD/gundam/etc. hahaha!

nevermind! there's plenty of waiting i've been doing (having a geek hobby sucks) already, so i can wait another couple of years really.
if school is like one's second home, then you're all my second family. thank you. i love ya guys <3 really. i thank you, and if for nothing else, just for existing.

autorepulsion

2009-10-02T22:42:00.004+08:00

dear diary, i am totally screwed up.

in a completely unrelated note, promos fail lololol.

---

i'm desperate to talk, yet i need to clam up and i know it.

i'll withdraw into myself, i'll call for your help, and i'll refuse to take it.

because that's what i am.
these feelings i'll reject, i absolutely refuse.
---

like chasing tachyons

screwed up shit.

i'd ignore me too

2009-10-01T22:57:00.002+08:00

fuck this. not like i don't know how much it pisses people off.

just fuck it. seriously.

forgetting to remember to forget

2009-10-01T19:06:00.003+08:00

i'm glad i don't remember everything. any more than i already can at any given point in time, since even that is already bad enough for stifling negativity.

sometimes i remember a little bit more than usual.

memories.. i don't want to forget.

i've never realised how much i want to forget until recently.

i've forgotten really, gotten careless. forgotten what it really means to live, forgotten all that is wrong, flawed, broken, filthy, useless, worthless.

it's painful, it's sad, and it's the truth.

but i sometimes wonder now why i chase it.

---

to live life with reckless abandon, a hedonistic pursuit.

i don't want to avert my eyes, but i don't like the darkness.

i too, want to chase happiness like a fool.

but this accumulated understanding, i've mentioned before, i don't want to lose it and start from square one. i don't want to search again. it's too cruel, too much to take it all in twice. too dangerous to lose sight of what i have found.

but i've forgotten.

and if i forget anyway, then maybe i'd rather forget everything.

it's strange, a paradox.

i want to remember, i want to forget.

to forget to remember, to remember to forget.

conflicting desires, where is my goal?

i don't know anything.

possibly that's the worst truth of all.

---

these hopes for truth eternal
too much for flesh ephemeral

comment threads are always brilliant

2009-09-30T12:15:00.001+08:00

oh shi...

" Tacomagic says:
August 4, 2009 at 2:23 pm

The true nerd test:

You are a standard level 7 barbarian using the 3.5 ruleset. You are wielding a greataxe with two hands and have just run into threat range of somebody wielding a pike.

Do you draw an attack of opportunity? Explain why or why not.

If you can answer that question without having to consult the internet or another source, you’re a nerd. If to answer that question you open up the core rule book that’s sitting on your desk in front of you, you are also a nerd.

If you ask any of the following questions:

•What’s 3.5 mean?
•What are you talking about?
•What is an attack of opportunity?

then you are not a nerd.

If you thought the question is bogus because I didn’t list the feats involed, you are a nerd."

... oh yeah, damn, i'm a nerd. ;(

HAHA AWESOME.

when it rains, it pours

2009-09-28T15:48:00.004+08:00

proof that this applies to stupidity:

*opens door to house*

*puts shoes in shoe cupboard*

*proceeds to place bag down*

...

SHIT.

then i realize i didn't hand in the RO form which i specifically remembered to get signed ytd night, instead of leaving it to this morning in case i forgot to, and placed inside my bag that night as well, for the exact same reason.

...

now either tmr or wednesday i have to go down to rj JUST SO I CAN SUBMIT ONE STUPID ASS FORM.

(who wants to go to school and study with me or sth, at least it won't feel like a total waste of time going down to submit the bloody thing.)

dammit. seriously.

EDIT: http://xkcd.com/642/

oh man, i wish.

then again i'm not sure if it'd be better for something like that to be true or to just have nothing at all. ;(

haha but it's a cool strip regardless. XD

! - oh dear!

2009-09-27T15:51:00.003+08:00

today:

"hm... wait, wait. wasn't there this thingy about some photo taking for h3srpians or sth? sth about it being used for srp congress next year and college mag... hm... i'd better check my email when i get back today."

*finally gets back home*

*does random stuff, suddenly remembers*

"oh right."

*checks email*

"photo taking session - 24th sept, thursday."

...

"wait wait, it's already past that right."

*checks date*

"ohhhhh shiiittt..."

*cue screams of horror*

well personally i really could care less about having my photo on anything, i just hope not having my face in the publication or whatever for srp congress is okay. don't wanna get in trouble for this. >_>

---

oh dear.

(OH NO THIS JUST IN)

oh wait shit, as i recall, there was this phone call i got right, from this... number.

oh no it wasn't thursday right.

... wait i think it was.

... suddenly i don't feel so good, i shouldn't have started typing this, then i wouldn't have rmb'd that.

it's not my fault! my phone! blame my uncontactable horrid shitastic phone!

>_>

oooooookay i really hope nothing bad happens.

ごめなさい！ごめなさい！

oh shi... ><

picspam: the first flood

2009-09-26T17:38:00.003+08:00

supposedly, i have been asked to send "any photos of [myself] while working on [my] project in the lab"

The burning question is of course, do these count?

they range from the relatively normal..

to the mildly disturbing...

then to the downright creepy.

there's also the completely irrelevant.

and the nauseating...

thinker, leader, pioneer.

???!

i'm wearing shorts, i swear!

they probably won't want any of that though.

maybe i'll just stick to something normal after all..

<_<

P.S. yeah wow, first ever image flood, even though they've been looooong overdue. (i'd post more but... relevance. ;P)

uniquely solitary

2009-09-25T16:56:00.002+08:00

"i gotta say
勇気を見せつけても、
強がっても、
一人で生きられない、

あの日の約束なら
心の深くに
残っているよ

今でも..."

i've been careless..

ho, ironic.

con vict ion

2009-09-24T18:45:00.003+08:00

most songs are really just poetry don't you think?

what's the difference actually, poetry, prose, song lyrics..

i believe the borders between them have always been rather blurred.

gwei posted this once for his blogpost, and now i strongly desire to do the same. ><

---

Ash Like Snow - the brilliant green

空赤く染める黒檀の闇
呑み込まれた星屑たち
儚く降り積もる灰の雪

見つめた嘆きの窓
I never dreamed
凍りつく
there... I come for you

想いは寂寞の夜空に
舞い上がり砕けた
この世界が形を変えるたびに
守りたいものを
壊してしまっていたんだ

心にひしめく背徳の闇
君の声が麻酔のように
冷たく感覚を奪ってく

矛盾を追いかけても
終わらない
なぜ僕は戦うの？

例えば光が消え失せて
この地球(ほし)が堕ちても
忘れないよ
その小さな願いが
在るべき場所へと導く

there I come for you yeah
Ash Like Snow
is falling down from your sky
Ash Like Snow
Ash Like Snow
Ash Like Snow
Let me hear...
why I have to fight?

この想いは寂寞の夜空に
舞い上がり砕けた
闇を拓く栄光と引き換えに
守るべきものを失ってきた
(It's falling from your sky)
虚しすぎる
(Baby I come for you)

砕け散った欠片に傷つくたび
閉ざされた僕の心を
強くなる事を選んで
ここまで来たんだ

***

An ebony darkness that dyes the sky red
Swallowed the stardust
Ash like snow falls and accumulates briefly

I gazed at the window of grief
I never dreamed
Freezing onto it
there... I come for you

My thoughts soared up
Into the desolate night sky and shattered
Every time when this world changed its shape
It destroyed
The things that I wanted to protect

An immoral darkness crowds my heart
Like anesthesia, your voice
Coldly steals away my sensations

Even if I pursue contradictions
They won't end
Why do I fight?

Even if light vanishes
And this Earth is corrupted
I won't forget
Your little wish
Guides you to the place where it must be at

there I come for you yeah
Ash Like Snow
is falling down
from your sky
Ash Like Snow
Ash Like Snow
Ash Like Snow
Let me hear...
why I have to fight?

These thoughts of mine soared up
Into the desolate night sky and shattered
In exchange for the glory of opening up the darkness
I lost the things that I must protect
(It's falling from your sky)
It's too futile
(Baby I come for you)

Every time when I got hurt by the smashed up pieces
My closed heart
Chose to be strong
And came here

---

hey, so today i thought,

even if it may be a little arrogant

even if it's a little foolish

i want to carry

just this little conviction.

if human nature is the disease

then i want to find the cure.

i must

and i will.

news

2009-09-21T21:49:00.000+08:00

there's good ones and bad ones.

good news: i studied more than usual this weekend!

bad news: that's because this was a long weekend.

good news: even considering work per day i did more this weekend!

bad news: that's more of because i've hardly studied at all previously, rather than due to any hard work this weekend.

good news: shin megami tensei is pretty fun to play!

bad news: shin megami tensei is a massive time leecher.

good news: one thing less to worry about!

bad news: now i feel like i've lost something.

haha, but nothing too serious other than the bit where i'm rather unprepared for promos, which can *kinda* be fixed. though the fact that i am now ~~QUITE~~ VERY LITERALLY the furthest behind in mugging progress is still a rather.. problematic thing to say the least.

but progress is progress, and i'll treasure my little victories yes? ;(

i think i'll get in the habit of posting regularly again. it's somewhat comforting to settle into my computer chair typing up something bitchy on notepad.

---

pw pw pw oh noes. it's been said to death already, how bad the deadlines are, but oh well what to do... we all have to live with it i guess. not that i should be the one complaining, being easily one of the slackest members (heh). i should really be thanking all my group members so thank you charlotte daryl ning valerie! (hurr alphabetical order to avoid conflict i'm the best *wink*) but yeah, in all seriousness, thanks guys for being awesome.

---

i have a habit splitting my posts into subsections with three dashes, i'm not sure when the habit started...

i think it happened because i started using it in my fic writing, where scene changes/perspective changes/time skips/etc. tended to be denoted with three dahes + enter, which makes this nifty little line that's very convenient in easing transitions haha. (sometimes i feel like a cheap writer for using them. oh well.)

i'd split this into yet another subsection, but i think so many dashes at such short intervals is rather jarring, so i'll consider this subsection the "talking about blogging" subsection.

thus i shall now talk about the problems of blogging more regularly haha.

i feel so uncomfortable about writing short meaningless posts (as opposed to long but ALSO meaningless posts HURRRR).

...

yeah okay next time i should cut the crap.

something to look forward next post: poems! or possibly i'll be lazy and post the prologue/chap1 of my new fic up here. (actually, speaking of my fic, i'm writing longer now haha, i'm even thinking of splitting the events of chap 1 into two now, since i seem to have enough to write to cover 2 chapters..)

---

this should have been posted a lot earlier but i was mostly typing this out while waiting for the latest edition of the PW report to dl (lol whut 5kbps?!), and once that got done i promptly got to work.

well i forgot what else i wanted to say in this post actually...

(i think i'm weird, my blogging style is just... screwy.)

ta-ta!

over-reading/overdoing/over?

2009-09-18T17:25:00.001+08:00

the funny thing about it is that even if you're aware of it, you continue reading too much into things.

now oddly enough, i am actually aware that i am "on my way to self-destructi-on i have no chance of survive make my time" *zero wing rhapsody continues to play*, yet i am failing horribly at fixing this.

it's like falling into a black hole, i know i'm getting screwed, everything seems slower, and i'm slowly being compacted into spaghetti, but i just can't fight it.

actually it might be worse, because i probably CAN fight it if i stopped worrying about things and better focused my energies upon more useful things, like mugging.

but nooo, i overthink.

whoa am i being ignored? / hey what does this mean... / oh no what's with that look! / argh i'm hated! definitely hated now!

or similar thoughts. i can almost understand missing keys's incredible paranoia (only i'm mostly aware of my paranoia, among other things, though it comes pretty close)

of course like any paranoid person, i JUSTIFY my paranoia, "i have reason to believe what i'm thinking!" says i, rationalizing, and maybe i do.

sure i do. of course i do! actually now that i think about it i'm pretty sure i have valid reasons for being paranoid.

but paranoia is totally useless of course, it never solves anything, and just creates plenty more things to worry about.

"justified" paranoia is really little different from normal paranoia. what i should instead be doing is to get things straight, make things clear.

there's really no if's or but's about it, if i'm paranoid, i'm paranoid, that's bad and i should fix it.

ha, easier said than done of course.

in the first place, maybe i shouldn't bother, maybe things are actually better this way. perhaps i could take advantage of this, and just delete these files, empty the recycle bin, and call it a day. (partitioning hard drives and doing all out wiping and rewriting is probably overkill)

and honestly it's not like i have any business being paranoid. time management and focus aside, i still shouldn't be thinking about it.

but i don't know, it's like i've succeeded in widening the distance, and maybe if that's true it might be a blessing in disguise. it's time to move on i think (now's really as good a time as any).

am i behaving significantly strangely? it's rare i think, but i think now i might be acting oddly without my own awareness.

donno, am i?

---

on a completely unrelated note, what directly follows this sentence is entirely charlotte's fault. blame her for any lasting mental instability or injury reading it may cause.

"intergrana lamella" says charlotte.

catchy thinks i.

-charlotte's responsibility ends here-

absolutely rappable!

and thus the bio rep (rap hurr) was born!

don't bring up anything that sounds like rap, i might rap in your face.

...

i'll post a recording one of these days, but i do believe it's at least mildly catchy.

...

on retrospect i'm not sure how many people genuinely were amused by it. after going through the expressions everyone had, upon close mental analysis, i realise with some (well more than i already felt) horror that it was probably just plain bad (i don't even mean the hilarious kind. i mean something similar to 90% of the "autographs" i scribbled out yesterday - convoluted and distasteful), and everyone was just humouring me before making a mental note of "nuts, socially awkward and dangerous".

maybe by next week i'll be drawing weird looks, empty seats in a 2 seat radius, and a total lack of conversation. (any attempts on my part to remedy this will likely be met with horror, a painful looking half-grin, and a tone of condescension with liberal quantities of distaste. put simply, a "go away i don't actually like talking to you, or your presence at all actually. you make me uncomfortable, but i'll pretend like you're 'funny'" type of look.) many facepalms are in order, but then again, i realise i'm only genuinely funny 0.1% of the time (often a total accident, and i don't realise it).

hm.

._.

i should shut up and mug, at least i can fool people into thinking i'm largely normal. acknowledging a total lack of social awareness is a beginning at least.

---

note to self: poison my waterbottle.

poast

2009-09-15T21:07:00.000+08:00

posting is good because i haven't posted in forever.

therefore posting is good.

then i wuz like, oh hey, my layout is boring.

then i wuz like, oh right, nevermind, that's okay.

then i wuz like, i still want to change sth anyway.

the result is before your very eyes. (yeah it's uglier now, my html skillz have gotten suckier)

it's READABLE when i open it in my browser though, so that's a good sign. the picture is off centre but i was like, oh hey nvm it looks pretty good that way (read: too lazy to bother).

as promised, poasts are the same as before.

so it should be to no one's suprise that i am about to complain about my life even though no one cares or wants to read about that.

promos are in 16 days, as of tonight.

also, right now i am nonsensing up something to show my teacher mentor when i meet her tmr.

whoo.

so not only have i
1. not studied (thus failing promos)
i also
2. have to work on a thoroughly shitty SRP which i'm beginning to have second thoughts about because i am freaking busy/dead/drained.

in addition, life has been splendid these past few months i've failed to post.

emotional rollercoasters, scares, etc.

not that there weren't good bits.

i swear the only thing keeping me sane is..

wait, sorry, did i actually suggest that i still maintain some level of sanity?

let me fix that.

i swear the only thing stopping me from going batshit insane on everyone like a hinamizawa-jin is my class.

that's one thing to thank god for.

of course sometimes that doesn't work, and sometimes i fall on the tried and tested method of "rant in own head".

that works well, but it reduces my max sanity bar.

think of my sanity as something like a maxHP stat in an RPG character.

let's say it's.. 100 for simplicity's sake.

now emotional troubles come along OH NO HP BAR DECREASE

15/100

now at a certain point HP pots (the class) either don't work, or sometimes i just don't want them to work for various reasons.

so i execute the RANT IN HEAD skill.

DING DING DING

YOUR MAX SANITY HAS DECREASED, YOUR SANITY BAR HAS BEEN REFILLED

and i'll get sth like

90/90

this continues on and on and on until my current sanity is

2/10

or sth close to that.

i'm really that close to snapping.

(actually that's pretty evident from my choice of extended metaphor)

---

hope.

i really want that.

because to be honest, it's the last thing i CAN possess right now.

it's like everything's come full circle right now.

at one point i genuinely felt, hey, this year may be the second turning point of my life.

i guess it was close, but like an activation energy graph, the energy hump is just too high to be so easily overcome.

it really came close though.

i can think of a catalyst.

i don't think i'll be getting it.

at any rate i don't deserve something like that, nor would i trust myself with it.

enough about that though, speaking that vaguely is just going to be frustrating to the people who DO read this thing. (they probably check only every few months or so though, and not that i really blame them for that)

---

over the years, i've grown into a superb actor.

no not in the literal sense. (that would actually be a GOOD thing)

i refer to the stage that people call the world.

"now whut the heck are you talking about dude?" you may be bursting to ask right about now.

i mean, i honestly believe that the only times i display emotion of any sort is when i'm LETTING myself do it.

how about thinking of it this way. i've become a person so conscious of breathing, that it is impossible for me to revert to unconscious control.

which has several problems.

the first i wish to address right now would be that i feel disgustingly fake.

essentially, when i'm depressed, unless i decide, hey i shall now mope around and look depressed, i look totally normal.

don't believe me?

when i'm ridiculously quiet for example, i am very much conscious of that. it's not "oh because i feel down so i become quiet". it's actually "oh i shall be quiet now, and hope someone notices i feel down, and does something."

i will admit that here, ask me outside of this blog, and i will adamantly deny anything of that sort.

believe you me, since june till now, i have been rarely happy.

it's steadily gotten worse (though there were intermittent periods of sunshine), and as i see it, it's going to go down further as promos and SRP approaches, continue spiraling downward as J1 comes to an end, even further during EOY hols as i'm STUCK RIPPING OUT LIMPET GUTS, EVEN FURTHER when j2 begins and i'm like oh shit i have one year left with arguably one of the best things that ever happened to me in my entire life, and eventually hit rock bottom when A levels come along. after that i might do so badly that i get stuck with a job that barely pays for 3 square meals a day.

oh great, i feel just brilliant.

now see, if it were just PROMOS i was worried about, at least i'd get some relief once 7th october is past (ha but seriously? right now i think i should be aiming to PASS them, i'm not even talking Bs or As here)

it's quite something to think you were rather intelligent, only to realise at the moment where it counts that you're really stupider than troll fodder.

not to mention the abject lack of any sort of talent on my part means this "intelligence" i thought i possessed was pretty much the only thing i had.

well now i'm left with nothing.

back to the topic at hand of course, my acting.

when i'm unreadable, i'm actually pretending to be "unreadable".

makes no sense?

that is, i'm being vaguely mysterious to make people wonder what's up with me, because i want someone to notice.

of course, i'd rather not have to do that, but i've realised no one knows me, and that's of course something to be expected, especially when you're so damn good.

but when i choose to be genuinely unreadable, i get really (more so anyway) depressed.

i'll be sad, i'll pretend to be not sad. people think i'm not sad, no one asks. i'm hoping someone will magically know me well enough and say, hey i know you're hiding something, out with it. and then i'll cry and spill out everything i've been keeping in.

well that naturally doesn't happen. which further increases the (self inflicted) pain.

but hey, i really don't want to show everyone that i'm depressed, because why? i'm almost always depressed. i've broken a long time ago, how much of it being my fault is anyone's guess. it's not good for anyone, and i'm tired.

i'm tired of people saying, cheer up, life isn't that bad.

it is.

i think too much, my head is too full of arguments with myself, tossed backwards and forwards.

do i sound like i've thought about things a lot? because i have.

and all these years i've been searching, searching for a reason to hope, something to hold on to, something that makes life "not so bad after all".

but people are unreliable, fate is cruel, and god works in his own ways, to his own ends, beyond mortal manipulation.

hey now, where do i turn?

perhaps it's my own pride, and my sin, to want anything.

i'm a human being. a mere human being. one of nearly 7 billion at this present time, one of far far far more when one counts the people of history, long gone. infinitely insignificant when one considers the future.

nothing when one considers the universe.

orders of magnitude. they are a fascinating thing.

let's use some arbitrary number, i like 6.

10^6 to 10^7. that's a big jump. that's TEN TIMES OF 10^6.
10^8, that's ONE HUNDRED TIMES OF 10^6.

exponential increase is RIDICULOUS.

but people usually have no sense of scale.

our SOLAR SYSTEM is an unimaginably huge place.

our galaxy is just ridiculous.

the universe isn't even ridiculous anymore. i doubt anyone really has the capacity to even begin to imagine what it could be like.

but i, (note that calling myself a speck of dust is a ridiculous overstatement at this point) have the AUDACITY to try to fight. to dare to hope. i have crossed the boundaries of what a human being should ever aspire to. i have committed the original sin. i have desired to become like god.

is this an exaggeration?

probably not.

to want anything, is to overstep one's boundaries. to even think, this is how i want my life to go, to even PLAN for tommorrow would be foolish.

i'm wrong, to want to understand. i'm wrong to say "i deserve better". i'm wrong to think "i want love".

my despair is entirely self inflicted.

i want to be happy, but it seems that's not the same thing the higher powers are aiming for.

grand goals like goodness, perfection.

perfection.

perhaps that is it.

perhaps it is my desire to understand and approach that.

perhaps that is where i went wrong.

---

after ranting all that, i'm just kind of dazed.

was that what i wanted to say? probably not, i got too carried away, and went on a totally different train of thought.

coherence is difficult when you're arguing from so many viewpoints about so many things, and have been doing so for so long.

if i were to summarize? perhaps this:

look at me. please look at me. even if i deny it, even though i KNOW that i MUST deny it. maybe i'll look back. just as i always have.

can i move on? will i be allowed to?

am i wrong? is this my own delusion?

i don't know, but i'm looking for something, anything to hold on to. you're just unlucky i guess, somehow i chose you.

i don't think it'll solve anything, it probably won't.

is it even real? i don't know.

maybe there's nothing here.

humour me.

---

damn i'm selfish.

the vase

2009-06-16T21:42:00.002+08:00

the kind of things that breed bad feeling and ruin relationships are all the little things, forgotten, but their effects still remaining, adding up little by little until the whole thing just dies.

i'm just going to chronicle this for i'm not sure what reason, maybe i'm hoping this will mean something to me? help me fix everything one day? i don't know.

i return today from SRP, my dad's ranting at bro for watching too much tv, and specifically, trying to record a programme during his ban. argument proceeds, and walking in i already know i'm going to get it, just a matter of time, because that's just how it is, how it works.

i'm already tired, i'm already frustrated (today was not a very fruitful day of research either), and i'm not in the mood to take anymore shit. i am stressed. i am more stressed this holiday than i have ever been during the term.

but i know it's coming anyway.

well it does, and i'm not supposed to use the com past 10 yadda yadda or i get password locked. i'm not inclined to agree. i can't even talk to people at night? not when i'm busy the whole freaking day when it's supposed to be the holidays, no sir.

well, that passes in the usual negatively charged, just about to explode manner it always does, because that's how conversations go in my house when i talk to my dad.

then dinner, and my dad says he doesn't want me on the computer when i'm eating.

now ordinarily, (assuming there already wasn't tension before hand, like there was today, and assuming that i wasn't pissed, which i was today) that would have been a request i could accede to, if for nothing else than worsening our already shit relationship, if something like that can indeed be called any sort of relationship at all.

but not today. especially not today.

i reply in my usual curt manner, this time rather edgier than usual.

the trigger for the explosion. it always happens like this.

not in the exact same way, but the whole situation generally unfolds in similar ways. dad, stressed with his work, likes taking it out by being a lot more nitpicky than usual, fury igniting at the smallest stupidest things. me, not willing to take any more shit, will not let this go. bam.

it doesn't go like that.

not all the time.

sometimes it explodes in loud voices and anger.

sometimes, most of the time, it is completely silent, wrapped in bitter brooding.

an exchange filled with hatred and anger, some directed, some just the result of a bad day.

it dies.

the explosion quells, at least outwardly. no words are spoken.

none need to be.

anger, confusion, and perhaps, guilt, sadness and regret.

but nothing is said.

nothing ever is.

there is nothing to say.

it isn't something that can be fixed.

some things, once broken, just can't be put together again.

ever.

i've always wished and hoped that relationships would be something i could cling to.

but time and time again, all kinds of relationships, i just see them fall apart, and i just can't fix it.

sometimes i will ask myself, do i hate my family?

and i will reply, yes i do.

then sometimes, in the tranquility of the night, i lie there, just thinking, pondering.

and i ask myself

do i really hate my family?

and i will say -

i don't even really know for sure anymore.

but i know this one thing

and that is that i wish with all my might that it isn't true.

today i was going to study.

i was going to get everything out, regardless of how tired i was, i was going to study.

i was going to make everything right.

and in the aftermath, i wanted to go, get my things, and say

i was going to do this. even before i walked in and saw you and knew you were going to scold me.

i was going to do this anyway. even though i'm a hell load busier than i am during the term, and definitely a lot more stressed, i was going to do this anyway.

i didn't say anything.

there was no need to say anything.

there was nothing to say.

and so

nothing was said.

these things, it's these little things.

the misunderstandings, the little fights, the trivial arguments.

ending unresolved, their memories fading, the events vague, the pain ever etched into the soul, persisting.

until one day i notice the myriad of scars upon my heart, and wonder where all this hatred and anger came from.

life goes on, but we never do.

until there is no misunderstanding.

it's always been like this. we can't get along.

why? it doesn't really matter anymore.

strangers tolerating the other's presence under the same roof.

who they are, what they feel, where it all went wrong vanishing from memory.

there is no apology, because there is nothing to apologize for.

there is no understanding, because there are no questions.

there is nothing to say.

i wish, i just really wish, there was some way to change everything.

why can't there be love and understanding? why the people i've known all my life, and who've known me all their lives, don't know me at all, and i don't know them.

why can't i love or be loved.

why don't i have a family.

all that remains are these vague feelings.

ew.

2009-06-07T22:19:00.001+08:00

few things irk me more than weiyang.

and of the things weiyang can do, few things irk me more than him putting his retarded PMs.

and oh man, weiyang of all people, having a PM that says of all things, "what is love?", irks me in so many ways for so many reasons to such a degree that i have (possibly) never felt like running blades through him more.

and that's saying a lot.

wishlist

2009-05-26T20:30:00.002+08:00

since apparently (oh dear, it's been rather long hasn't it) an update is in order, and i wasn't sure what i should post, i'll just post some horrible random emo ranty poem (or crappy excuse for one anyway) just as filler.

---

wishlist

be wary what you wish for
for you know not what you'll get

the dreams you wished would come to life
living nightmares may beget

so wish then not for wisdom
lakes of sulfur you'll behold

neither for the purest heart
in furnaces of fire they try gold

now wish not for great patience
there'll be no mercy of breaking your back

nor wish for true love, forbidden
fruit just out of reach your heart will wreck

but if you must wish for something
wish that you'd never wish again

for none do see as well as those
whose eyes are rotten and dead.

---

P.S. i am generally speaking, not as depressed as before, so no worries.

not a very good reason

2009-04-09T22:52:00.000+08:00

see, i'd make a proper post, but it'd be all ranty, and i know no one wants to read that, and i'm also sick of people telling me to stop ranting/that no one cares/no one wants to hear you ranting/being emo.

so i'm not going to.

and people ask why i don't blog anymore.

lookin for grp.

2009-03-18T17:01:00.002+08:00

oh uh, sorry, the other way round. grp lookin for....

YOU!

(maybe anyway)

want to play DnD? (that's Dungeons and Dragons to the unintiated)

well our DnD group is looking for YOU.

a word of warning though, our DnD group is a highly random and rowdy bunch. if you've ever played DnD in other groups before, chances are they have much saner (and productive) sessions than our DnD group.

a short explanation of DnD is in order i suppose.

DnD is a tabletop fantasy roleplaying game. if right now you're thinking world of warcraft, or whatever your MMORPG of choice is, throw that idea out of the window now. DnD uses nothing more than pencil and paper. (okay, and dice.)

sounds interesting? DnD is completely open ended, and that's the greatest joy of DnD. the sky's the limit! let your imagination run wild (as long as the rulebook or DM doesn't outright say: no.)

oh right, what's this DM thing. the DM (dungeon master), or what MMORPG players might be more familiar with, the GM (game master), basically has the powers of MODERATION.

not in the same way MMORPG GMs moderate though, banning haxx0rs and such. no. DMs are much more powerful. they control your entire gaming world. that's why the DM needs to be a nice mature person who understands the spirit of the game and will give you encounters hard enough to be fun, but encounters that aren't so hard that your entire party ends up dead. (however, if you annoy him enough, rocks fall everyone dies IS a possible bad end)

well i've gone on long enough, my explanation is probably a horrible one, but it should be good enough to give you a general idea. d20srd.org is a good place to learn how to play it though, or get an idea of what DnD is like. googling or wiki-ing might also help. (the link to the SRD is in my links section too.)

so if you're interested, and you think you can endure, or even enjoy playing a tabletop fantasy RPG with 4 16-17 year old guys who end up turning it into more of a social gathering than a gaming session (though we usually accomplish both to very pleasant effect), think you can sacrifice the time to do so, and are preferably around our age give or take a year or two, do contact me via tag or msn or whatever to apply for the position.

kthxbai. =D

srsly, i don't get it

2009-03-12T21:43:00.001+08:00

no seriously.

what exactly makes me worse than him?

on water

2009-03-11T22:08:00.002+08:00

i am not entirely sure how this ended up coming about, but oh well, a short bit of prose on water:

"Slipping quickly past the feet of countless people, I hesitantly peer over a ledge, eventually coming to rest in a stagnant pool by the roadside. A concrete tower defiantly stands as the heavens crash down upon it.

For as long as it has been, I have known its image. It is mine, but it is not familiar to me. Rushing towards the sky, the mundane cycle continues as I fall back into my marble prison. Its arrogant splendor is fleeting, as are all works of mortal hands. They build to tear down.

I stain invisibly. Carelessly swept aside, I am forcibly purged and leap from broken glass. They yell and I well up unbidden, but neither will release me for they say I am not there. Insistently I push to break free, and I succeed too late. They turn and flee from the other. Now I am scattered carelessly.

I sing with the brooks yet I roar with the sea. I am the world in all its glory, but broken with the drop of a stone. I am the essence of life, yet I have never lived.

These transient glories will one day die, and I am the eternal illusion."

haha, like whoa right. >_>

it's probably too abstract to be considered anything GOOD, and i'm not sure if it's an example of "excellent characterization" but who cares, it says stuff i wanna say, and i like the sound of it. =P

---

i like the idea of holidays approaching, though it is kinda bittersweet. the class is starting to grow on me.

... i really want to join CAP, but i am 100% that if the internal deadline is really tmr, then i will not/cannot join.

okay i'm just posting because my promises to post are (very) long overdue, so this is an apology. kinda.

(i'll try to find something happy shiny to post about ya?)

like i don't have enough reason to already

2009-02-23T20:38:00.003+08:00

in addition to getting to watch anime raw, read manga raw, and play VNs, i have one more reason to add to my list of "reasons to learn japanese NAO".

that would be, reading light novels.

now, that had already been KIND OF one of the reasons, but the reason i am going to add this reason to my list of reasons (wow i keep saying "reason"), is because of the recent influx of new shiny light novels added to the baka tsuki translation wiki, which have a few vols out, but with the first vol only partially translated. :(

now the first time i felt a strong urge to read light novels was when i wanted to read iriya no sora. the OVA was pretty good, but at 6 eps only, i wanted MOAR. being completely unable to read a whole light novel with my pathetic command of the japanese language, i naturally looked for a translation. (which was sadly nonexistent.) well not really, the first chapter is translated, but that's hardly sufficient.

fast forward a bit, having discovered baka-tsuki, i decided that i should just browse through the light novels they had. haruhi (naturally) had been fully translated, and so my light novel journey began.

9 volumes later, i was itching to have more of this "light novel" stuff. vol10 of haruhi had been taking forever to be published, (as is with the release of anything haruhi nowadays really), and still is, so i decided i should move on to read something else.

long story short, i am now addicted to at least two (relatively) new light novel series (don't you hate how series is both singular and plural? it irks me to no end.)

hidan no aria, and now cubexcursedxcurious (C^3).

other than hot loli win, (not to mention yamato nadeshiko material in hidan no aria), reading these light novels is sort of a guilty pleasure.

sure, i know these books can would be considered by many to be deep and meaningful literature, but to just kick the brain into low gear and just enjoy what you read is hardly an unwelcome experience. besides, it looks that if not HnA, then C^3 at least has the potential to develop into a srsbsns light novel. (much like how haruhi can be rather srs at times. srsly.)

and to be honest, that is the kind of reading i enjoy. mostly entertaining, but yet retains the ability to be thought provoking now and then. it doesn't try to shove meaning down your throat. rather, you just read and enjoy the ride, and then notice how here and there the story might have a second, more meaningful layer to it.

enough of all that, long story short ~~fear is hawt, and shirayuki is mai waifu~~ i herd you liek light novels and i will be trying my very best to brush up on my japanese till i can purchase light novels online by the end of the year. ^_^

ARGHHHHHH!!!

2009-02-18T18:48:00.000+08:00

February 10
KoL accounts will no longer be deleted due to inactivity.

dammit KoL, couldn't you have done this earlier? then i wouldn't have lost my main! T_T

it's not bad really...

2009-02-16T19:08:00.004+08:00

yeah, i suppose my class is pretty enjoyable.

it's definitely better than 3/4R at any rate, so that's one thing to be grateful for.

i think i could grow to like this class.

maybe i should be less pessimistic! =D

---

i'm two days late, but obligatory ronery vday mention.

oh, i was pretty amused on friday that no one seemed to notice it was friday the 13th, which led to a good time being contrary and wishing everyone happy friday the 13th instead of vday. (even SEAN didn't notice! i thought he'd be the type to remember weird things like that.)

anyone willing to gimme *nothonmeiandtotallygirisrslydonttakethisthewrongway* chocolates?

so somehow i ended up discussing (with yens? zy? both? donno.) how no one would go up to someone and give giri chocs and say "these are GIRI! don't take this the wrong way!"

well... maybe they might, but they'd be really weird. and it'd be contrary to anime! which we all know is an accurate representation of life. >=(

but yeah, if anyone EVER says "these are giri chocolates", please understand that they mean, "these are honmei, but i'm a tsundere, so just take them and pretend it's not obvious."

i'm quite happy that we don't celebrate white day here, can you imagine the expense i'd have to go to? bloody sanbai gaeshi...

not that i mind getting chocolates of the whole-class-totally-giri variety.

actually come to think of it, it's not like i got much stuff/expensive stuff. just two giri class stuff. which is really cheap to reciprocate. haha, see, it's beneficial to be invisible. ;)

i have NO idea why i'm going on and on about this.

---

will be crashing bridge and jap club on wed. watch out!

crushing

2009-02-09T18:10:00.003+08:00

... several posts into one.

...

what were YOU expecting?!

---

i'd mention the other days of orientation, but i can summarize it all real quick, so i'll do that instead.

my OG is awesome, i'm just not sure i'm part of it.

(oh hey, yeah, i know it's my fault, mostly.)

i'm very much socially inept.

in case anyone wants to know, class = 10SO3Q

it so turns out that i'm also in the same class as the following people:

jonny
weisiang
valerie
alison

did i miss anyone? don't think so.

anyway, while at once it's good that there's 4(!) people whom i know, i still don't exactly have a very good feeling about this class, i donno. how should i put it.

the class as a whole gives off this... BORING vibe.

this might (probably) just be me being pessimistic. again.

but having come to realize how much i have lost in terms of social skillz (see, having a personality transition to "introverted" is such a pain), i'm pretty much all "meh" at the prospect of having to get used to new classes/ccamates/etc.

on the train back from the last day of orientation i ended up writing some random prose, which i may or may not put up one of these days.

---

that's it! i managed to summarize:

the rest of orientation
class
acknowledgment of failing at life

into a single, short post!

i can't exactly pull myself out of this rut on my own.

aiyohhh

2009-02-03T21:03:00.002+08:00

http://www.wpri.com/dpp/news/strange_news/offbeat_wthi_terrehaute_islam_is_the_light_nintendo_0126200921532177991

see link! i know i was amused.

.. let's assume for a moment that the sounds the baby makes indeed was supposed to say islam is the light. oh come on.

aren't they overreacting a little here? it's like islam is the devil or something. it's not like it said terrorism is the light, oh but of course, all muslims are terrorists!

doesn't that say something a little problematic with society? =/

(next thing i know, society is so messed up that "oh but of course, all muslims are terrorists" gets taken out of context and i get sued for sedition or sth. inb4govtlockdown)

---

anyway, that was just random news i found out from reading penny arcade. (haha ya i'm still not a very informed person. =P)

moving on, i shall blog about orientation. (i thought i was gonna do so ytd, but i was too busy being bored/talking/playing touhou (which i abstained from playing today. =O)

... i'll do this thing day by day.

day 0

before orientation, on the night before i'm going to everyone and ranting about how only pek wenjie is in my OG and i'm like wth. i later find out huang wenjie is also in, and i'm still pretty like, uhhhh.

also, having heard that apparently there's a somewhat "weird" girl in my OG, by now i'm pretty panicky about my OG. where are my good friends to save me?!

so i relieve stress in one of the few ways i know how. i rant.

quite convincing myself i was going to be one miserable little camper, i go to sleep.

day 1

quite convinced i was going to be one miserable little camper, i wake up.

... finding out that i didn't get into fencing did not at all help my already foul (and worsening) mood. to be fair, like i said, i didn't do that well. and besides, brandon had already mentioned his name was first on the list, so unless they *gasp* did not do it in alphabetical order, i'm not in fencing.

repeatedly scanning through the list i somehow fail to find anyone else i knew in HH12 (which promptly became proof that i am really really blind or sth), so i trudge off to the MPH, wishing good luck to zy and quite sure my life had just gotten suckier.

quite a while later, our group begins introducing ourselves to each other. before that however, i had already found out that both xinghe and yongen were ALSO in my OG. zy was not pleased.

i was also looking out for a person who seemed like they might be "shikaye", and i further confirm my 70% reliable, (or thereabouts, plus minus), intuition. (because the person i was pretty sure was shikaye WAS shikaye. go figure.)

i end up getting to know the guys pretty well by the end of the day though, and surprisingly enough, considering i suck with names and faces, i could pretty much identify everyone in my OG by the end of day 1. something i was rather pleased to discover.

of course, like i mentioned to matthew that night, the great invisible gender barrier meant that i didn't really know any of the girls.

though i did later start asking why shikaye was weird, because i found her pretty normal imo, and i was like constantly subconsciously observing to detect anything that could be considered weird. in a sense, it was weird cos i didn't notice anything weird, which i later told matthew. who was like what made you think she was weird and i'm like BUT YOUR CONVO. then he's like, uh well, to some people i guess. then i'm like, oh thanks, getting me all worried like crazy for nth.

the first day ends with me cautiously optimistic i guess, the people all seemed pretty cool i guess, and having a few people i know definitely makes it a lot easier.

(also, i cut my lip while shaving. first time i actually cut myself. ouch.)

day 2 (oh hey today lol)

... i wake up tired, i took too much time talking on msn.

it felt like day 1 again for a while.

.... then came the DANCING.

as far as i'm concerned, i always regard mass dancing as a way to weed out the social rejects. (social rejects being those who can't dance. believe me, it somehow actually seems to work very well.)

well, as i was bitching to gwei when he told me that there's the singing and dancing on tues, i'm like.

...

dude are you serious?

i can't sing.

or dance.

or sing.

or dance.

or sing.

or dance.

so as you can tell i'm totally psyched for the mass dance.

i am quite amused at my total lack of psychomotor skills, (it's a LOT worse than i thought it would have been), and begin to wonder if it's just me, or whether it's just hard to pick up a random dance.

so (hey... looks...) i look around me to check, (... kinda...) and i realise that everyone is like some friggin pro dancer. (oh wait, this is just like fencing/archery trials.)

i look in front, oh hi yongen, hey, he's pretty okay. not really good or anything, but he's definitely not crap. unlike me.

i look behind, hi jaryl. oh shi super pro psychomotor kthx. taking to dancing like a fish to water i see. how does that work?!

kinda depressed by now, i then realise that my dance pardner isn't fazed by this dancing thang.

shikaye is completely O_o hax at dancing and i'm totally crushed now. ohhh boy, this is going to be a longggg dance.

it's one thing to be in a group where everyone is sucky at dancing, at least you all fumble together. it feels really weird however, when you do not have a feel of your body at all and can hardly tell left from right, while everyone else is dancing like they've been doing it all their life.

i also felt kind of, oh man, of all the people whom could have been my dance partner, she just HAD to be a someone who's damn good at dancing.

it's really depressing, because i totally suck at dancing. had i a choice i'd be sitting out thank you very much.

naturally i also feel like, oh crap i'm totally pulling my dance partner down. jaryl, will you swap with me or something, our heights are close enough anyway.

it just felt really horrible i guess. D=

---

the amazing race ripoff, like all other amazing race ripoffs, was amusing, and had the usual result, so i shan't comment.

what was amusing was when i went home with yongen, and suddenly see jonny, notice yingjie and say hi, and then zhengyi just walks down from the escalator and waves. i go totally bananas. i can't take so much surprise, my heart can't take it.

... oh right, germaine was there lololol.

somehow or another at one point i ended up asking everyone (after eunos i recall, since yongen and yingjie weren't there anymore)

"hey, so what did you think of dance lol."

after confirming that everyone at least did so-so, i then go into a emo rant (for the second or third time that day) about how much i suck at dancing and how everyone else is depressing me by being so darn hax.

further salt is rubbed into my wounds after germaine also affirms that "shikaye is a good singer" or sth like that, and i'm like, okay, because i don't feel inferior enough to everyone else already lol. (i know it wasn't intentional. >_>)

comments like, duh you suck are also casually passed around.

well hey, i know i'm the kind of person who like laughs this kind of thing off, but guys, i need some HELP HERE SO THAT I DON'T FAIL AT DANCING AS MUCH ANYMORE AFTER SOME TIPS OR SOMETHING.

jonny and germaine continue trivializing my situation after tampines and zy got off, making it seem like it isn't a big deal (i still think it's a social culling of sorts), but hey, that i don't really care being a social reject all that much, because i'm not exactly a society person. i just feel kind of bad being the sucky dancer in my *range* or sth, and pulling down my dance partner. i just can't help but feel that way. i donno.

...

so, does anyone know how to become good at dancing overnight?

cca woes

2009-01-30T17:46:00.005+08:00

as i was telling zy, i don't know what to make of my current situation. even ASSUMING i get to choose between fencing and archery, i would have no idea what to do.

i suppose the simplest solution would be that i end up being accepted for NEITHER. but hey, that's not a very PLEASANT thought, and i'd definitely get a nice bout of depression after that.

but anyway, i *think* it's quite possible that i get into both. imo i didn't too TERRIBLE for either tryouts. i.e. i was average among the global population, or slightly above (maybe), but either way, i'm 100% sure it was not good, not fantastic, not talent, not first team material, (or heck, maybe not even RESERVE team material, depending).

let's say i'm accepted into one of the two. i'd be all, uh, so, i wonder if it's really THAT good an idea to sign up. (after all, isn't the point of a trial to test out how good you are? if you're "good but not that good" is there really a point in joining?)

so how if i'm accepted to both? well, it'd be pretty much the same, except that i have (somewhat) more of a choice here. 1. archery 2. fencing 3.neither

in a sense, that would be the "best case scenario", which isn't that good either anyway.

as i mentioned to zy, i'm not even that sure HOW much i suck at either. since for both trials i don't really have a good person to compare myself to.

in both trials, the people whom i get to observe, do phenomenally well. and while i'm almost totally sure they're the kind of people lesser mortals like me ought not to compare myself with, it's kind of hard not to do so. especially when i don't really any better gauge of my capability out there.

OH RIGHT, i could ASK the J2s!

...

which didn't work very well both times, since it was all:

"uh well, you're okay la i guess."

...

NOW WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN AGAIN?

while i understand why they would say sth like that (well, i mean, so would i!), it's not exactly very HELPFUL for a worried junior who has no idea whether it'd be a good idea to join the cca or not.

so again, not blaming them, (in fact, i think both the seniors i spoke to on this matter were pretty nice people), but what is "okay" SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

am i "okay" in that, hey, on average, if you pulled some guy on the street and got him to do this, you did pretty decently. or do you mean, on average, most archers/fencers do about as well as you do. or do you mean, on average, among the people who came to try, you're actually around the median.

???

and the best part is, since (from my estimation, which hs proven to be sufficiently accurate for me to trust for the purposes of this post) they're *pretty nice* people, how much can i actually trust their assessment of me as a reliable gauge of aptitude?

maybe they're all something like this:

(oh boy, this is going to be hard to say. uh...) well... um... (well i mean, he didn't exactly do BADLY, so how should i put it) actually you did... (i suppose he's not fantastic, but hey, with hard work, it's possible that it could end up all working out in the end) pretty okay i guess!

i don't get an actual OPINION on my ability, rather, i get this general word of encouragement that smiles and says "it's okay, you can do it! you can be a hero if you try! yay!"

furthermore, they both weren't very convincing in their "okay" remark.

i mean:

for fencing, after submitting the application form, i ask, she takes a look at my scores, says "well actually all your scores are pretty okay what."

*looks left, looks right.*

*remembers other scores i saw*

*remembers angus' scores*

*remembers brandon's scores*

*remembers VINCE'S scores*

*looks back at her*

"uh.. oh.. really? well okay, uh, i guess.."

<_<

>_>

now for archery:

*shoots and cannot help but express slight depression by sighing a little*

"actually your shots are pretty okay what."

*looks at kenneth*

two arrows bunched tightly together, with one arrow a leeeetle tiny bit above those two.

*looks at dude on left, who is trained*

three arrows bunched like !^%$^&@***!!!!

*sweat drops*

uh okay, let's see guy on my right whom i totally donno

*looks*

two arrows bunched tightly together, one arrow somewhat of a distance above those two.

*looks back at mine*

.X...............................
...................................
...................................
...............X.................
...................................
...................................
................................X

three arrows all a distance away from each other in a nice diagonal line.

arrows also do not go in STRAIGHT to the board, but are all at rather obvious angles.

*looks at senior*

"uh, okay i guess."

SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK HUH, WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO THINK.

and hey, even if you say they care more about posture for archery, i wasn't so hot at that, i never did get the elbows turn in thingy at all, i was so nervous i kept fumbling and dropping my arrow.

okay, so i didn't use the sight (cos i forgot it existed until the last shot), and i never aimed properly, since it wasn't a target but a huge white board and i kept arbitrarily assigning a spot to aim for, instead of going for an arrow. in the end, they don't know that, and it doesn't help me with my estimation of my own skill either, since i STILL have NO IDEA whether i'm good or not.

fencing was equally disgusting, i keep getting highly depressing scores for all the stations compared to others.

random guy does box step

13 secs

i do box step

oh shi..

17 secs.

-_-"

for the record, vince did 10 secs or sth, the closest to that was someone who got 11 i think. the average was i believe 13. also for the record, i ended up with 12.6 after two tries, but a lot of people improved too, so i'm not sure if the average might have been higher than 13 after a few tries.

funny thing also, reaction speed.

girl who goes before me

0.198.

O_o"

(for the record, 2nd fastest i think)

0.23x(was it 4? i can't really recall)

-_-"

again, for the record, vince got 0.197(!!!) iirc.

now while MONSTERS like vince get stuff like the coach telling him on the day itself that he's definitely in, and other PEOPLE get stuff like, hey you're pretty good; i, on the other hand get, "you're okay i guess."

...

so what exactly am i supposed to do now.

thanks a lot man.

tryouts have been depressing me all the way. first fencing, then writer's guild, then now archery.

the worst part is that i can't tell myself, maybe you'll be brilliant at *next cca*, because there's nothing else i signed up for left to go to.

...

what cca should i join NOW, HUH?

(i love you astronomy club, at least YOU don't have stupid entry requirements.)

if you're looking for me, i'll be sitting on the rooftop, stargazing with great melancholy.

YOU can help ME decide!

2009-01-26T10:22:00.002+08:00

for a limited time only, YOU can help ME...

make a decision. >_>

so i'm gonna apply for writer's guild, and i can't decide whether i should

1. submit prose which i have already written
2. submit prose and poetry which i have already written
3. write something new and submit that

so i'd like the people who visit this blog (hm, now THAT'S a problem isn't it. shall advertise on msn.) to VOTE for either 1, 2 or 3 (and if you vote for 1 or 2, i would greatly appreciate if you suggested what i submit in that case. =P) by tagging on my tagboard!

uh, thank you very much (if you vote helpfully) i guess. =)

itz rlyrly D7

2009-01-13T13:06:00.002+08:00

i'd say "this just in" but it's a day too late. this is generally because i spent pretty much the whole day ytd hanging out with the DnD gang (doing guess what? PLAYING DND LOLOLOL)

but yeah, so i srsly got D7.

and again, as usual, i am the person who is the least surprised about it.

i'm perfectly fine with it really. i mean, i wouldn't say i worked very hard or anything, and i know for a fact that i did worse than in prelims, and i got a B4 then, so.

SURE it would have been great to get a (lol) B or C, but i was actually worried i would get sth like E8 and have to (oh noes) retake chinese. but yeah. not within reason to get that high, so this is something i quite expected and am rather satisfied with.

i mean, my MAIN worry was that my parents would force me to retake since it wasn't a proper "pass", since D7 still = fail. but surprisingly enough, they seem pretty okay with me doing that, even though i can tell they're very disappointed, but that's to be expected isn't it?

so the final result is, i'm cool about all this, but i think i just sent shockwaves all around my social circle, since everyone seems to expect a lot from me. O_o

also, i think someone owes me a treat now. ^_^

filler post

2009-01-05T13:16:00.002+08:00

in a bid to keep my blog "alive", if you can even call it that, i have decided to post.

so uh, i put a sorakake countdown timer for no other reason than "well i'm probably going to watch it, so..."

in the midst of doing so i realised that there are still several bugs i inadvertently introduced when messing around with the template, and thus i am thinking of just getting a new skin.

ohhhh yeah.

in other news, the winter season has begun in full force, expecting some releases soon. =)

i think.

in completely unrelated news, been playing ra3 with zhengyi recently, and i can say that it is infinitely more enjoyable than hard AI. then he has to go overseas. thanks a lot zy, you'd better get back here soon.

gah, stupid january elective period. it makes school restarting seem so much sooner. i could be slacking until february! (i guess i'm still going to, but that's hardly the point.)

o level results get released on the 12th right?

come on, all i want for (a belated) christmas is just a D7 (or higher. hey, i can hope can't i?) for HCL.

my fingers are crossed.

><

what waits for no man and flies like an arrow

2008-12-21T22:42:00.002+08:00

okay, i'm sorry i couldn't think of a better title.

time is passing ~~a little~~ WAY TOO quickly.

i STILL haven't done anything of value (except running the youth camp's games, which although people enjoyed, i do know that overall it still was ~~kinda~~ very much fail, because of severe lack of preparation on my part. =/)

whatever the case is, i have about 20 days and i'll be starting jc with no goal or direction whatsoever and i have a very bad feeling my life is headed towards an... unpleasant path.

also, TNK totally ruined akaneiro.

i stand by the fact akaneiro has PLENTY of potential. but nooo.. they had to ruin it with a horrible filler middle and a rushed and empty end. i've heard the FINAL episode was terrible too, but i haven't watched it, so....

... man. and did sai even APPEAR in any of the episodes? i don't get why she's in the character list then. =/

add akaneiro to the list of VNs i will play when i'm appropriately aged.

in addition, i've discovered a new reason to play ef, the VN offers far more plot details than the anime, some of which sound like they could add quite a bit.

still haven't completed planetarian because i was away for the past week or so, and it looks like i'm gonna be busy again. coupled with the fact i'm trying to clear luminous arc 2 and it looks like i'm not finishing it before the end of the year. :(

christmas choir performance stresses me out.

why can't i have full time reliable bass members! i don't like being pretty much alone in trying to do something i (supposedly) have talent in but have no idea how to do!

argh....

---

i need new earphones for my phone, my current ones aren't working. T_T

post 222

2008-12-12T11:15:00.002+08:00

naice....

you know what's the pain of having a blog?

life (and the internets) move along wayyyy too fast.

to keep your blog alive you have to:

1. whore yourself for links
2. updates your own links
3. post regularly
4. tag regularly (interaction with your readers is important!)

okay, so it's not THAT hard, but it does waste valuable time that could be better spent on all kinds of other things.

not that i'm one to talk, since spending time on anime, RA3 and DnD isn't exactly what you would call a "good use of time".

well guilty pleasures are still... pleasurable.

i still insist the holidays are passing too fast. (can you believe that in one month school starts again?)

also, i got a call.. two days ago?

basically trip sci lit was a no no. dammit, apparently i must take some sort of maths.

well bugger, what i wanna do don't need no maths. :(

i just took H1 maths to get it out of the way. though, that's 11 subjects, so...

man, that's really problematic.

i guess i'll think about it more when school life begins. (maybe i won't even qualify to take H3 next time anyway, then taking H1 maths won't matter other than wasting my time. =/)

P.S. planetarian is awesome.

fun facts

2008-12-10T10:27:00.002+08:00

well, somehow or another, kitty kiat shut down his blog. huh.

that was i think pretty weird. his tagboard was hardly covered yet, nor had i tagged, but okay. that works for me, kind of.

i need more amusement though, so i take a look at his facebook and friendster accounts.

WHOA I KNOW HIM THROUGH SOMEONE.

apparently he doesn't realise one of his friends is a so-called rafflesian.

i'm assuming they were in the same p6 class or something similar, since they have the same primary school, forgive me if i'm wrong.

but don't you think it's pretty damn screwed up right there? you seem to have forgotten that you know someone from your hated school, and apparently you have an at least cordial relationship with him (i assume that you're not going to add someone you hate are you).

so, what is it now, kitty kiat? do you hate him too? or is he an exception to the rule?

birds of a feather seem to flock together. while i will not (note how this is different from what kitty kiat would do, or at least, has done) come out and flat out say all SJI people and alumni are losers and have the maturity (and intelligence) of a 6 years old, i WILL say that from the reply tags i have seen, a vast majority of his friends do seem to be so! (i am again not saying that all friends are from SJI, because it'd be lies damn lies.)

"Occupation: student/ semi-proffesional blogger"

lol who decided that? also, do all "semi-proffesional" bloggers also have as much of an issue with spelling?

"Favorite Movies: Constatine! (Keanu Reeves, EEEEEEEEEEK!)"

lol at being GAR for keanu reeves.

"Who I Want to Meet: I wanna meet a girl who looks like Rihanna and Devon Aoki combined."

shallow people are the best kind of people.

also, question of taste, but that'd be a PERSONAL ATTACK OH NO?!

redundancy

2008-12-09T22:27:00.000+08:00

i think i somewhat understand the source of frustration now.

i keep coming close to understanding something. it must be something important.

coming close to understanding myself, or reality.

then i just forget everything, i lose it all and i'm back to square one.

i cannot remember what learnt.

i think earlier i came close to understanding something about myself, i think i found some sort of conviction. i think i learnt something about how i relate to others. i think i learnt something. i can't remember what it was.

i remember i wanted to say something.

i remember there was something i needed to tell everyone, something i needed to convey.

i lost it all, i just couldn't remember what it was.

i can't say for sure this is it either, because i can't remember.

what is it that i have forgotten?

but i've lost it.

exhaustion.

i think and i think and i think.

something DID come out of it.

but i forgot.

so in the end it was pointless.

my effort, my struggle.

i fought hard to find it.

why can't i keep what i fought so hard for?

it happens all the time.

so many things i have lost.

i'm tired.

i'm upset and angry.

i wanted to say something.

but what was it?

on harem

2008-12-09T21:45:00.002+08:00

tl;dr

was what i was going to post.

but then i cooled down a bit, and the rage (+4 Str +4 Con +2 Will -2 AC lololol) gradually wore off and i was fatigued (-2 Str -2 Dex can't charge or run lololol) and thus decided ah i don't care anymore about your opinion.

i'll just say things quickly and simply. enjoy what you will, but please watch something before you say it's thrash dammit. don't shit all over harem because harem anime are perfectly fine. not all of them are, just like not all action/mecha series are good.

and harem is cliche? oh for goodness' sake, what is original anyway. anything and everything has been done before. you can reduce anything to its lowest common denominator. that goes for every damn story. delivery is the most important thing. harem is always about a guy and a bunch of girls? mecha is always about robots duking it out. shut up and enjoy the show.

i'd write more, but in the first place i didn't want to continue the long post i wanted to do originally, so i'm too lazy to talk anymore, so sorry if this looks incomplete. for my own reference in case i want to write it again, what i was trying to write is located below, feel free to read it, but it's incomplete.

originally i was gonna talk about how i tolerate fanservice and such, and why i will play visual novels as well because my rage brought me into that area, but i'm tired, pissed and don't want to write anymore. sorry if i sound incoherent, if nothing makes sense. i just didn't want my hours of thought to end in nothing. but this is how all of it does doesn't it? it just gets thrashed.

this is why i don't blog often. half of the time it just ends like this, only i don't even bother making a post like this to show that this happened.

therefore: i like harem anime, if you don't, i don't care. there's a good chance i think you suck as well. i like key. i enjoy good romance and drama. i dig a good plot. i enjoy epic delivery. i will play visual novels. so what if an anime has fanservice. it also happens to have good plot. kyoani's key adaptations have proven the quality of key's plot for one. i understand why they say key's VNs are plot with porn and not porn with plot as many eroge are.

so there.

abandoned post below.
---

hey all, first things first.

i like harem.

yes, the -->harem<-- genre, is one of my favourite genres, if not my favourite.

secondly, yes, i am perfectly aware no one cares about my opinion. i am also perfectly aware this blog gets approximately zero traffic, (and it's not like i really care that much, i just want a place to rant after all.)

finally, i would like to make the point i am going to attempt to get across quite clear.

harem does not suck, not any more than any other genre at least, so the next time i see something like a review/comment/whatever that goes "well, it's harem so i wasn't expecting much out of it", or "for a harem this is pretty okay", or "being harem, it was already doomed to mediocrity, but even then, it managed to be worse", or "a harem anime is never going to be good, but x was a pretty good attempt", i will rage freely, and direct anyone who happens to be caught in my shitstorm of disgust to this post.

now, i'm new to anime. i only started watching it this february. one of my first anime was clannad.

i enjoyed clannad. i never thought clannad was "best shit ever", and i still don't. but it was good. it entertained. it was funny. it was emotional.

it was by all means, a show worth watching.

my early anime watching days were heavily influenced by harem (and also, key, though i didn't know that then). my earlier shows included air and kanon, again, harem anime.

i again, enjoyed them. so i wanted moar harem.

so i looked for more harem.

it has been an interesting journey, but as i dabbled in this genre more and more, i became aware of an overwhelming amount of hate directed at it. more so than "shounen" (which usually is meant as the action genre as pitched to said demographic, because shounen isn't a "genre"). let's ignore technical terms, basically, it seemed to me that harem was the thing that everyone loved to hate.

i've been very curious about this, and all i've heard is that it's "cliche". i'm very confused as to what this might actually mean, so i look for a more specific answer.

how?

time to hit google with why people hate harem.

*reads*

*reads some more*

*rages*

wow. i would try hard to not be a complete prick here, but stupidity has been thrown in my face, and i cannot withhold my urge to rage.

guys, you know why harem sucks?

do you want to know the bullshit, or what it actually means?

tell you what, i'll tell you what the bullshit is, then break it down to show you what it really means.

first thing i came across was something from baka-raptor, but i don't take anything from there particularly seriously.

it entertained me, i laughed.

so i read on, hoping to find a serious opinion on the matter. (or one that i could take seriously.)

so i found: http://hontouni.com/taihendesu/?p=585

i somewhat understood. yeah, it's true. unfortunately a good number of harem anime slip up on their male leads. they get so caught up in the storylines for the female leads that mr protagonist ends up being a bland forgettable character. there's a reason i hardly remember the names of male leads.

now, this isn't so much of a complaint about harem though, more of, "harem leads tend to make crappy characters". DCIISS is one anime i like quite a bit, even though yoshiyuki has always mostly just been a boring male lead created to attach girls to.

so i continue in search of what exactly is bad about harem as a genre.

http://that.animeblogger.net/2007/03/22/harem-shows-need-to-look-pretty-cause-i-jerk-to-the-fanservice/

i didn't really care about this. but this is what started it all.

from what i read, all i saw in this was an opinion that not all harem anime are harem anime.

in that, kanon for one isn't harem.

i can understand this somewhat, since definitions are something we can argue over all day about, though i'm gonna stick to the very simple and widely accepted version of "guy with 3 girls or more". why? it's simply my opinion of how it should be defined, it makes sense to me. at any rate, from what i understand, the post in question isn't so much about why x isn't harem than why x isn't your standard harem filled with fanservice and similar thrash.

that's my understanding anyway. and i agree that the label "harem" tends to somehow bring along connotations of massive fanservice and ecchi spam.

there are hyperlinks in this post though, so i click.

i shall now just list the rest of the posts that i read:

http://kurogane.animeblogger.net/2007/03/22/is-keyani-a-bad-thing/
http://randomc.animeblogger.net/2007/03/19/freezeframe-a-key-paradigm-shift/
http://www.riuva.com/?p=586
http://check.animeblogger.net/2007/03/23/rhymes-with-rankery/

these turned out to be related posts in an epic e-drama which i missed since i wasn't into anime then.

now holy shit, it seems no one learns anything.

firstly, harem is like any other genre, just... a genre.

just watch the damn show. if it's good, it's good. if it's bad, it's bad.

one bad harem anime doesn't make the genre inherently sucky.

neither does two, nor over nine thousand.

oh please, 90% of everything is crap.

here's a comment by "tolitz", on the random curiousity post.

"Most of this stems from people’s norrow-minded view of genres in anime… and the harem genre has gotten a lot of flak from seemingly “high-browed” people who claim to watch “intellectual” and “realistic” anime rather than their hated (insert any anime from any popular genre here).

In a few blogs I have seen people passing up on any harem anime series and making judgements on it without even watching a single episode (or sometimes after only watching just ONE episode). This close-mindedness has been adopted by other people who want to pass themselves off as “sophisticated” otaku (if there is such a connotation).

While I agree that there have been many anime series in the harem genre that have been downright “ridiculous”, that doesn’t automatically make the genre itself “ridiculous”. If I based the entire mecha genre on, say, Dual Parallel Adventures (which coincidentally was also from the “harem” genre), wouldn’t that be unfair to the genre itself, which has produced brilliant series like Zegapain, Code Geass and even my old fave, Rahxephon?

So saying that KyoAni has better things to do than “waste their time on another HAREM anime” is not only arrogant and elitist, it’s also a sign of contempt for the harem genre and everyone who supports it. It also shows the lack of knowledge you have on the Key games as well as the harem genre itself, especially if you think that every title has to be “ecchi” influenced or provide a generous dose of fan service.

And just because there’s more than one woman interested in one man, it doesn’t automatically make it a harem anime. It amused me before that most elitist reviewers didn’t hesitate to downplay Suzuka coz it reminded them of Love Hina, which was a harem anime, therefore it didn’t need to be taken seriously. Most people underrated and under-appreciated Da Capo (first season), because not only was it harem, it had incest.

Yet a “reverse harem” like Ouran High School Host Club gets stellar reviews, and ignores the fact that it’s a bunch of guys infatuated with one girl! People will say “but it’s so good!” and totally ignore that it was, in essence, just another harem series. Double standards in anime? You tell me.

I stifle the urge to say “I TOLD YOU SO” then you said that you now “get it” … but this particular blog entry makes me think that you, in fact, still don’t get it ;)

But good post, nevertheless - in a “stepping on the ant hills” kind of way :)"

that's pretty much the bulk of what i want to say.

don't be a retard. it sucks because it's "harem"?

lies damn lies. it sucks because you want it to suck. it sucks because you'd like to think that haha those people who watch harem are desperate losers who want something to jack off to. it sucks because all harem is just dumb fanservice. (interesting note: 90% of everything also happens to have fanservice in varying quantities)

here's a comment from xellos on kurogane's post.

"KeyAni is bad becuase we have wait longer for more Haurhi and FMP.

If KyoAni wants to breath life back into the romance genre then they should pick something similar to KGNE. The Best Romance Anime i have ever seen.

I drop Air after ep6, Kanon after ep1 and will avoid Clannad like the plague."

...

this is just filled with damned stupidity.

"KeyAni is bad becuase we have wait longer for more Haurhi and FMP."

it's bad because the shows you like aren't being produced. how the hell does that make any sense. the answer is that it makes none.

"If KyoAni wants to breath life back into the romance genre then they should pick something similar to KGNE. The Best Romance Anime i have ever seen."

exactly what is wrong with kanon. and oh my god. you watched one episode of kanon. one. you then go on to conclude that kanon was a waste of time and was crap romance. why?

I'M NOT REALLY SURE.

it's retardation.

i'd put more comments, but just read them on your own. half of them are just... stupid. i don't get it. i ended up in a nearly 2 year old shitfest, bewildered at how you could hate kanon, and not just that, but hate kyoani because they were "wasting resources". i was in a complete and utter rage.

key is awesome. i have not been disappointed by the kind of plot they churn out. i am personally convinced that any visual novel by key is made of win. that is my opinion. if you disagree, that's fine, that would be your opinion.

classifying all harem into the "not worth watching category" because it's "harem" however, is just this: fucking. stupid.

do you hate ecchi overload and fandisservice? so do i.

do you prefer non fanservicey shows? so do i.

but please, know what the hell you're talking about.

WATCH the show. does it have good plot? how was its delivery?

judge a show by its quality, not the GENRE IT HAPPENS TO BE PLACED IN.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0YV51bG-2g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28tsf2FSOfQ

itz higurashi

2008-11-26T21:14:00.000+08:00

just watched ep 13.

man, i always thought takano was a creepy little bitch.

well, now i know she's just a nasty creepy little bitch.

a tale of melodies ep06

2008-11-20T17:08:00.002+08:00

ahem *cough*

firstly.

massive massive spoilers.

so please stay away from this if you have not watched melodies ep06.

anyway.

so today i decided that i had enough of waiting for menclave, and i'd just rewatch when their version came out.

yep, so i *gasp* used chihiro's subs.

firstly, i'd like say a few words about chihiro's subs.

to be honest, now, they were pretty horrid in the past, but recently having watched a few of their shows, they're getting quite a bit better and to call their work "shitsubs" is just plain mean.

i mean, sure, they aren't the most quality group out there, but they do the job right, and personally i'm getting pretty tired of menclave taking weeks longer. i know they want quality and all, but the inordinate amount of time is just... seriously, the quality increase and time taken just do not match up. (however, for g00 that's just another matter, which is another thing that just annoys me. they can do things fast, they're just choosing not to with melodies.)

note this is not meant to be a rant or anything, i'm just explaining why i switched, and also to voice my opinion on some things. i still think that fansubbers are a fantastic group of people, and i know they don't owe us anything.

also to say that i don't really hate chihiro or anything.

anyway.

so, about ef.

i liked (and still like) ef as a series.

now while i wouldn't go and say memories has got to be my favourite show of all time (because it isn't) it's definitely very good.

melodies however..

i have thoroughly enjoyed every moment they have given us so far for this second season.

now, while it may be way too early to comment on melodies as a whole, i am very confident in saying that it has surpassed memories, and indeed, almost everything i have ever watched. i won't say this is the best yet, i have to go back to watch air before i say that, but i feel that i have a very good reason to just ignore all that and at this very moment just put ef - a tale of melodies as best THING ever.

for any story, i believe that greatness would be defined by its impact on someone.

some things arise out of my definition.

one, that a story's greatness varies from person to person.

now this is something that i recognize, though i never really want to admit. >_>

secondly, this quite easily makes the utter mindrape that was episode 6 the single factor that will easily propel (for me) melodies to the top of my list.

i do not kid when i say i had a freaking mental breakdown when the insanity that was the end of episode 6 flashed across the screen and my eyes took it all in.

whether this was due to the storytelling itself being so damn incredible, or my obsession with the yuu x yuuko pairing (my fav couple ever, or really close anyway), or for other factors.

of course my final (boring and cliche) answer would be that it would be due to all of the above combining together to create the greatest mindrape i have ever been through. the extent of this is quite clear for me, the only reason i am not calling this the best anime ever is for fairness' sake. the show isn't over yet, and air is pretty hazy in my memory right now. but right now for me, air, you have lost.

to try to describe how incredible that one scene was would do injustice to it most likely, and you really just need to find a time to shut yourself in your room, away from any distraction, make sure your mind is clear, and watch melodies ep6. i am completely left in awe, i feel like there's no point in me ever trying to reach such a level of storytelling, it's kind of depressing actually, to see such greatness.

now let's put it really really simply. basically in ep6, we figure that yuuko has been in a living hell. she has been assaulted over and over again by amamiya-sensei, her "brother". that was probably something most people would have figured by now. that's not all however. she has also been brutally raped by sir amamiya.

good job.

now this sounds just like sakura in fsn. however, one thing i didn't like about fsn was how i never seemed to be able to feel for the characters.

but here they truly pulled it off.

the voice acting was superb, the art was incredible, yuu's reaction summed up everything the audience felt in a way you wouldn't think possible.

perhaps i was affected more than others, but i was completely stunned, and i remained in a daze for a really long time. i finally realised that my hand was gripping on to my arm tightly, for a presumably long period of time, and it took quite a bit of mental strength to snap myself out of it.

that was just the physical effects of it too. my head still felt like someone had clubbed it repeatedly. even that stupid d20 greatclub that nelson threw at my DnD character could not compare. "mindfuck" quite succinctly describes everything that could be said about my condition.

i don't think it's necessary to go into detail into what i did after that, but basically for hours i could hardly think of anything else, and was incapable of doing anything of purpose.

this is storytelling at its best.

truly.

inducing such a profound sadness, inducing such incredible hatred and anger.

this is what every storyteller wishes they could do.

the emotions, the thoughts, everything that this one scene caused... it was incredible.

i have rambled on for far too long, but i shall quickly end it.

ef - a tale of melodies episode 6. truly a masterpiece.

for the sake of many, i hope they can continue this for the remainder of the season.

gg. really, gg.

with nowhere to scream

2008-11-20T15:14:00.000+08:00

it's me. it's just me isn't it?

would you have felt the same?

i don't know.

i don't know anything.

overreacting?

my head.

there's too much.

struggling, searching, screaming into the darkness.

i'm looking for it.

what am i looking for?

i don't know what it is i'm looking for.

but i can't seem to find it.

it would hurt.

perhaps it would hurt.

it does hurt.

it hurts, but i cannot feel it.

i feel it.

but it's not there.

it's a lie.

an illusion.

it doesn't exist.

why.

why?

i don't know.

what am i thinking.

i don't know.

what is the meaning of it all.

is there any meaning to it.

is there any joy.

is this uncertainty the only thing that is certain.

confusion, loss, not knowing where to go.

destruction, pain.

what can make what has happened right.

if nothing can be made right, then what.

can you put together a broken vase, a shattered piece of porcelain?

then what is left?

vanishment, forgetting.

erasing it all.

yes, perhaps that is it.

a solution.

inelegant.

not really a solution.

it doesn't solve the problem.

but it cures the symptoms.

that is all isn't there.

the only thing we have.

or could have.

i need it.

maybe i just want it.

is this what we are left with?

flayed flesh

2008-11-20T14:50:00.001+08:00

i saw.

i knew.

erase it.

please.

holiday.

2008-11-18T10:55:00.002+08:00

somehow holidays don't seem to be very long.

i mean, considering how much time has passed i thought i'd have gotten more done.

however, i still haven't finished chap2 of wmh, and i finished the RA3 campaign only a short while back, and just started playing skirmishes. also, i thought i'd be clearing my watchlist a lot faster, but i haven't even finished kiminozo, so...

at least there's been lots of DnD, so i can't really complain. kinda.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE TOO SHORT.

wow, pretty early to say that eh?

also, eclipse needs to put akaneiro on higher priority. :(

i am...

2008-11-07T16:18:00.003+08:00

currently feeling:

frustrated and tired.

worse, there's no one to talk to.

again. just yet another emergence of bottled up feelings.

it's unhealthy, but what else can i do?

---

sidenote: just to forestall things like, why not talk to god.

i KNOW. okay?

i mean someone who i can talk to and will talk back.

and don't get started on how god talks to us through indirect means.

i ALSO KNOW THAT. OKAY?

i don't MEAN that.

what i am talking about is someone who i can LITERALLY talk with. so unless god decides to become a voice in the sky and have a little chat with me, that's not what i'm talking about.

god knows that too, sometimes you just want someone you can really talk to. that's why adam got a companion. god didn't just tell adam to talk to him. so please, don't comment unnecessarily.

but just ignore me, i'm just feeling pissy, being the pissy person i am.

don't bother responding to this post at all, just needed an empty room to yell and curse into.

iriya no sora, UFO no natsu

2008-10-24T16:00:00.003+08:00

so today, i decided to hold off the gaming spam (since i already watched all the weekly eps for the fall anime i'm following, which are ALL incredible btw, go watch some).

having put it off for some time because of exams and such, i decided now would be as good a time as any, and prepared myself for an emo anime.

i was not at all disappointed.

there's something about short OVAs. they tend to have quite a good plotline and everything, but they tend to be missing a little something due to the simple lack of time. what sets apart a good one from a bad one imo, is how they work around the fact that you only have a few eps to work with and turn that into a miracle. (lol i sound like some... starry-eyed retard)

recently i was also rather impressed by hantsuki, another 6 ep emo emo anime. furthermore, i've had my fair share of kleenex-gobbler anime, so iriya wasn't gonna have an easy time getting into my favourites list, but somehow, they pulled it off.

first, i'll just list the issues i had with it, because it's a lot easier to list.

it was confusing. that's a big one. watch ep1, and you're like, uh huh, i think i get the premise, ep2 you're like, right. where were we again? i know when i watched ep2 i kind of got the feeling i might be watching one episode ahead or sth, cos it felt disjointed. this feeling kind of stays for most of the series.

it's not ALL that bad a thing however, like some guy points out, if you don't get some things, that's fine, cos the male lead was really confused as well. he didn't get anything, so in a way, it functions rather well in assisting empathy.

as always, i (and most people too it seems), just have a knack for, to put it crudely, bitching about things being too open-ended, confusing, ambigious etc. but in the end i think that more often than not, what's NOT there does a lot more than what IS. i think in the end too, we more often enjoy something we are confused by and can speculate to no end about what actually happens in said scene, what is known by what characters, and so on.

not to mention it adds to rewatch value, i know i'll be rewatching to try and figure out some things.

another issue... hm. does being incredibly depressing and RAGE inducing at parts count as being a bad thing?

... yeah, i didn't think so.

i'm not sure why people say the end was ambigious. in a way, yes it wasn't *explicitly* mentioned how things ended, but (imo anyway), it's pretty obvious what happened, since 1. it's how it was set up to end 2. occam's razor 3. really nothing to suggest the contrary.

it's been mentioned in reference to people insisting *CODE GEASS R2 SPOILER, HIGHLIGHT TO READ* lelouch didn't die at the end of geass r2.*END SPOILER* but when a storyline goes in a certain direction, there's a sort of *plot inertia* so to speak, this direction is usually ONLY acknowledged to change if there is something left to suggest the contrary. (though to be fair, i believe said people who insist that happened DO have some evidence to back that up, so not saying you're wrong or shouldn't read too much into it here) in iriya though, i honestly believe there's LITERALLY NOTHING to suggest the contrary. in fact, if anything, *SPOILER* iriya being dead *END SPOILER* actually has some evidence to support it.

in conclusion, iriya no sora is a fantastic bittersweet anime. it's not necessarily as depressing as air, it's more similar to hantsuki in that sense, but it's definitely an emotional roller-coaster that you should get on. yes, even if you're pregnant or have cardiac problems or are below the height restriction.

highly recommended, hantsuki/air level i'd say, 11/10.

i'll prolly make a list at the end of the year to summarize what's worth watching when i've cooled down and can make a decision less tainted by *omglatestcoolshowiwatched*

bu REALLY! i'm not kidding, this is really high up there!

... i think i spend too many words trying to convince people to watch anime i enjoyed.

16 on the 16th

2008-10-16T19:53:00.001+08:00

RESERVED FOR POST AT A LATER DATE

EDIT: haha i'm so cheap, reserving dates. >_>

anyway, real date now, 20th oct

EOYs OVER LIAO (i dun care about you, HMT O levels)

and best of all i realised i only need above 2.8 anyway, cos the only H3 i want to take is the external module thing that's only offered at J2, so i do well in J1 can liao. (right?)

in other news, my subject combi has been quite drastically altered. last time i wanted tripsci+KI+H1whatever. budden after yudong told me how quantum physics and such is only taught at H3 level, i decided no point taking physics anymore, since the only bit about physics i care about would be that. no point taking a H3 for a subject you don't care about except for the extra stuff they teach at H3 level. (unless i find out yudong was bs-ing me, and you can learn that without taking H3 phy)

so, that also removes one reason for taking KI, since i no longer really need it as a contrasting subject, and frees up a slot for H2 lit, which i wanted to take, but had to give up in favour of the sciences. so biochemlit, and prolly one more H2, which would prolly end up being econs (even though i was like omg no econs before). yeah, maths still not really in consideration... (persuade me otherwise!)

now to me being 16.

lol, 16 is supposed to be a special bday right?

well, it was an awesome celebration, i like taking exams on my bday. -_-

ah well.

still, pretty cool being 16 i guess, now i can finally watch NC-16 movies and the like, though i can't drink or anything yet. also, being 16 on the 16th is a really cool thing. =D

i wanted RA3, and the way things are going, it seems i'm gonna be able to obtain the treasure with minimal (schneizel level) effort! or i could save/spend it on sth else, but i've never really bought a pc game for myself... so... it's okay to splurge once in a while, right? right?

i notice that you can tell a lot of things from the people who wish you happy bday, and how they do it. (i may have misinterpreted of course, maybe i think too much)

but i think this year surprised me quite a bit again.

(it seems that if i don't care so much about my bday, my bday cares more about me! =P)

life is lived best when you live it easy and don't think too hard. appreciate the little things, forget about the bad things, look forward to the future, be content and joyful with what you have. it's quite a fantastic feeling. i just wish i could be like this more often.

to end off, i'd really like to show my appreciation, so:

minna-san, hontou ni arigatou!

---

still the same wish every year

unhealthy

2008-10-01T12:15:00.002+08:00

so, last fri, before metaethics DMP, ian was playing touhou hisouten. now i had heard of touhou project before, from yens, and had heard it was a shooting game. with loli characters.

well then i saw touhou hisouten, which was basically used touhou characters, but in a fighting game. with lots of projectiles.

now, touhou hisouten, as i have learnt over the past few days, is awesome.

naturally, getting hooked on a game before the EOYs is not a good thing.

however, i have actually managed to do a bit of studying at this point in time, which is an amazing feat (for me). esp considering how much difficulty i have doing it even WITHOUT being hooked on a game.

oh, and an anime.

myself;yourself looks pretty appealing. yudong says it gets all epic drama-ish at the end, which might be good, but he said the end sucked. which is another comment i read on forums.

hm. then again, lots of people hated the H2O end. which i liked. meh.

also, uh... got koihime musou, on a whim. donno when i'll actually get round to watching it. but reviews have been pretty good, and apparently it's heavier on comedy than expected, so that's good news for me. (less service and less action than expected as well. good or bad... depends i guess. i'm assuming it means it's not BBQHAX ecchi, which is good, but lack of action... hm.)

well, DMP is over. time to wake up even more and mug for EOYs.

---

oh right, then fall season comes knocking. my first fall as an anime-freak, so i'm obviously not sure if this fall is particularly awesome in comparison to other fall seasons, but imo it's looking very very good. akaneiro is top on my watchlist naturally, having being hyped up about it for around two months at least i believe...

and i don't care if fujimiya sai is just a supporting character (the horror! take out karen or tsukasa and replace them with her!), i'm STILL rooting for her!

yudong also agrees with me heartily. yay! at least i'm not alone.

but among the mains, yuuhi and minato are tied for first, and everyone else is a distant second. >_>

well, unless they turn out to have really win personalities later on, but judging by my experience, i think yuuhi and minato will get the personalities i like best. =P

also, CGR2 25 was pretty good. like, last few eps of CGR2 <<<<<<<<<<<<< final ep. mostly cos final ep was pretty good, and also cos last few eps before final were... pretty horrid.

well, all in all, pretty good series, might consider writing reviews on it. need to finish up nogizaka and SA as well, haven't watched the last two and final respectively. =/ (yeah, i have been busy..)

then i'll prolly leave the others on hold as i get addicted to all the fall anime. lol.

m33w is picking up chaos head! omg.

(hoping i can control my anime watching with the EOYs so close. preferably i hold it off completely until it's over.. but that's likely impossible. i'll prolly at least be following akaneiro weekly.)

what, it's still control.

sola

2008-08-29T20:44:00.002+08:00

hai guys!

long time no post.

>_>

okay yeah.

ytd after bs sth really hilarious happened.

well, ku-ri-fu-to-n and i were on our way back on the mrt, and at (i forgot what stop), a girl/woman uh... whichever would be more appropriate, while walking out, got a earphone wire caught on cliffton's bag. it resulted in frantic attempts to remove said earphone wire before the door closed.

which needless to say, failed.

cliffton said it was the one of the funniest things that had ever happened to him on the mrt.

.. recently i had seen a lucky star ep where they see some guy and gal's bag accesories getting caught together, (and naturally, with konata's... comment on the matter. lol event flag.) which inadvertantly came to mind, and i was.... amused to say the least. >_>

---

also in recent news, a few days back nels kinda sorta told me in a way that there was writing compeition by renaissance publishing (which he took part in see), the deadline is this sat 5pm..

i admit the 1k cash prize looks very appealing, and i really was intending to enter it. but...

i keep putting off working on it, and eh, you can't really blame me (i think). cos i really don't like working with a deadline. and while i can churn out stuff that's okay (see: decay) it's rather draining. and it's not sth i'd exactly seek to do if it's not... compulsory.

...

yeah yeah okay fine, so well, long story short, i got lazy, and i'm telling myself i'll enter next year.

what, it's perfectly okay to be lazy, okay? and i guarantee i'll get at least one random chapter of my fics up by the end of the hols, if not more.

---

also, sola is an awesome anime...

voted best anime of 07', and for good reason clearly...

and what else to expect, with the storyline coming from the main writer of kanon?

oh right, before that i had also watched 5centimetres per second, which is awesome btw, makoto shinkai is... awesome.

well, i'll prolly finish watching sola tmr.

the music is also REALLY good btw, listening to it right now in fact.

...

man, i really have a weakness for comedy, romance and/or any combination of the two.

also: just to yensen. sola has no fanservice and isn't a harem anime! (like air.) so GO WATCH IT AND STOP OBSESSING OVER EF JUST BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY ROMANCE ANIME YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

but really, sola is really, really good. top 10? yeah, top 5? yeah! top 3? hmm... maybe, but with all the other stuff competing for those spots, i'll have to wait till i see the end to be sure.

FTW FTW!

2008-08-16T11:29:00.002+08:00

so ytd, i went to the library while waiting for gym to start.

well, i picked up a book and started looking at it, but then, i got a little distracted by the table tennis semi-final that had just started.

by the end of match1, i had put down said book completely and was just staring at the screen like everyone else.

well, one thing led to another, and when the time for gym came, i looked at the time, told myself i'd just stay for one more match and...

eventually i stayed through the whole thing till 6+

in the end i DID go to gym btw. (for like, half an hour?)

well what a semi-final, really.

it was just nerve-wracking, and it was definitely an awesome match, beyond epic. (also, am i the only one who thinks the koreans are fricking haxxor? i mean, woah those saves were totally NOT supposed to happen. impressive defence really.)

by the 5th match, the school library was supposed to be closed (it closes at 5:30 rmb?) and we were considering running down to J8 to watch it instead. but thankfully we were allowed to stay on, and the tv stayed on. by then we had also abandoned all pretense of obedient silence (we weren't even all that silent before..) at every point we won, we screamed YES! or similar whoops of ecstasy at volumes rarely heard anywhere, let alone the library, and with similar groans of disappointment at every point conceded.

when feng tian wei (who really, single-handedly took us to victory i believe, winning both of her matches. that's 2 out of 3, and the last one was the doubles match), made history. well, the library just exploded.

you could hardly hear a thing other than the screams of joy, but really, that's all we needed to hear.

FTW FTW! (feng tian wei for the win!)

i would have posted about the semis earlier, but ytd was my mom's bday.

---

neways, oral defence was really ggxxsuck. but okay, i kind of didn't really care already.

also, got a group for end of year parody performance.

well, it's time.

let's show em'.

what-maths-ever

2008-08-13T22:09:00.003+08:00

zzz.

why i hate maths.

because you have to practice to get the hang of it.

making a small careless error means complete gg, wasting of lots of time, and also leads to immense frustration.

this frustration starts taking its toil once you're done with several qns, having gotten all of them right only on your second try or more, due to various errors here and there.

you eventually start taking more and more time to do a question, and make more and more mistakes since you're really quite annoyed now.

you eventually reach a point where no matter how many times you do a question, you get it wrong. sometimes if you're lucky, you may do a question 10 times and get 10 different answers. all of them wrong. and then you ask around. lo and behold! there's NOTHING WRONG WITH HOW YOU DID IT?!

but the answer key begs to differ.

you utter several choice expletives under your breath, and ask yourself why you bothered to do maths anyway.

seriously, maths has this knack of making my blood boil when i do it.

---

right, did i mention today?

basically, went something like

"is kinematics in maths easier than in physics?"

well, people replied no.

so wanting to make a gideon choo joke, i say, "cos our physics teacher very SKILLFUL (dripping with sarcasm on the skillful)."

now she says, "i'll remember that."

at first i'm like, huh, is she gonna tell mr choo? well, technically all i did was say he was "skillful" sarcasm isn't exactly something you can prove. at any rate, i'd take whatever consequences arise from making an honest comment, so i wouldn't mind that much anyway. then later after class i find out that apparently she took it literally, (well, not really literally. but kind of.) ah, basically she read between the non-existent lines and deduced for some reason that i was taking a jab at her teaching skills. what? i didn't even see it that way until people pointed it out. totally not my intention there.

insecure much? -_-

well if she wants to take it that way, i don't really care i guess.

i've always said that if you're going to misunderstand me, and make a judgment based on that, or make judgment based on rumour/appearance. i don't see the need to justify or clarify anything, because you wouldn't necessarily believe it anyway. if you don't bother, neither do i, and i don't mind losing a friend/testimonial whatever through that, because it's not worth having.

yes, i'm harsh. but as i've said before, i'm quite sure i don't have double standards about it.

if i'm harsh, i'm harsh to everyone, that counts myself as well.

i mean, if maybe i were to apologize to mr choo for being overly critical of his teaching, i can somewhat understand even. but that's because that was my intention. it's something i did. i'm not going to apologize for something i never did.

i hate that. and if there's one thing i hate more than apologizing for something i never did,

it's being FORCED to.

(yes, i'm looking at you.)

i'd blog more now, but at this point it's not only late, but also i'm facing an apparently gg own bio test tmr, along with a maths one on hurray integration.

let's learn integration! we can find the AREA UNDER A GRAPH WITH IT!

---

P.S. a maths question to think about, a boy gets 3 4.0s, what is his overall GPA?

*HINT* MATHS!

hey, let me tell you a joke

2008-08-09T17:40:00.002+08:00

i blogged. HAHAHAHAHA.

another one! another one!

i... fell asleep randomly today! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

another?

uh...

i... am going to mess up horribly academically!

oh wait.

hm. that's not *supposed* to be funny is it.

i'm still not trying, and i feel even less inclined to do so because it's the final stretch.

here's contrasting thoughts taken from an ordinary mind:
"oh no it's the final stretch, let's put everything in this and end my last year in ri in a way i'm proud of."
my mind:
"eh... it's the final stretch. wait, why bother anyway. it's so late in the year, it's not like trying now will help. meh. no one cares anyway. whatever."

hm.

i've also been seriously considering certain things that have been said. i wonder.

i think in the end when it comes down to it i'm still very much average, or below so, in every way imaginable.

also, am i just making excuses for myself?

here's the funny thing about maths for me anyway. i know maths, to study it, you have to do it, and you can't just like look at the formulas the night before the test, memorize them and go into the test with that only. so i *think* the reason i'm failing so badly at it is because i hate it, and i'm incredibly lazy by nature (with this natural problem being magnified by my distaste for maths). maybe though, i hate it because i just suck at it anyway.

maybe it's the same thing for chinese really. maybe i just suck at it in the end.

these thoughts also then basically encourage me to not do anything, since ah well, even if it's not me being lazy, it's me sucking. why bother. maybe i just suck anyway. who cares, i shan't bother doing this, why try, it's not like it'll help. it's not like anything will change.

everything i write contains a piece of my soul. some contain more of it than others. if you read them, i think you can somewhat glean things about my inner-self that might normally be harder to understand. however, parts of my soul never seem to see the light of day. i feel like screaming those parts of me out, but i don't think i can. i can't bring myself to i guess. i can't really tell anyone.

my true feelings, locked within me.

i want to put them in my writing, but once again laziness among other things get in the way.

sigh.

writing this, i couldn't help thinking about certain lines in ko no me kaze.

well, got to think of how to do and what to do for my oral defence.

(chances are i'll just not do anything until after tues when i see the next batch present, with the pretext of "trying to get ideas from them")

and i should mug for my tests.

(who am i kidding?)

da epic

2008-07-22T22:02:00.002+08:00

weeell. firstly, DCII is... interesting. it's different i guess. it's not much of a harem. heck, it's not much of a romance in the first place. not that much comedy either. it's just... drama. mostly.

also, just once? i'd like to see a shirakawa win. in the unlikely event that nanaka has a shot in DCIISS and it's just that i haven't seen it yet, don't spoil please. =(

---

now moving on to EPIC.

to quote from a convo with yudong:

恋は不思議な魔法だね、何も怖くないから says:
have u seen ep 15
恋は不思議な魔法だね、何も怖くないから says:
cg
Pizzat - [ping+boo] cuteness that kills says:
yep
Pizzat - [ping+boo] cuteness that kills says:
epic.
Pizzat - [ping+boo] cuteness that kills says:
made even more epic by the fact that i expected it to be epic.
Pizzat - [ping+boo] cuteness that kills says:
which it was.
Pizzat - [ping+boo] cuteness that kills says:
then it got more epic.
Pizzat - [ping+boo] cuteness that kills says:
then i was like, i thought it would be epic, but it's more epic than epic. wtf epic.

yes. it was that epic.

picture post of ep15 soon? maybe, depending if i have time and feel like it.

incredibly epic is all you need to know ep15 is, because it literally had no non-epic moments. i think i'll save my entire actual analysis for a possible picture post/ep review later on. but uh, to end.

EPIC.

---

finally moving on to what we call "irl".

oh right... irl.

i never liked irl. then i started to like it less. i kind of got used to/accepted/started to find it slightly better after a long while, but then i've regressed back to not liking irl, and maybe more so than last time.

i've said this so many times in so many ways i've run out of ways to describe how i feel, and the annoying part is that i never ever ever manage to fully convey my raw emotions in relation to this.

well, old line, reality sucks, and we can't do anything about it. that makes it so much worse doesn't it? you can't even hope. well you can, but if you consider it seriously, you know there's only so much that can happen.

as i mentioned, once again i come back to the truth of immutable reality, trying and hoping just doesn't cut it. i phrased it slightly different i think, but same idea.

also, i've always cared a lot less about things than should be normal. i usually don't care much of people's impressions of me, flawed as they may be. my reputation and such isn't something i really fight for either. i don't really fight for myself in almost any sense at all.

gradually my apathy (which usually is linked to my cynicism), has increased more and more than is usual of late.

it has kind of reached the state where, not only am i completely gged, but i do not want to do anything about it. i mean things like, assignments being due, and me not caring. tests coming and me not mugging. i literally do not care at all anymore. i don't even do things last minute. i refuse to do them and i make that decision AT the last minute. the rate my apathy is going, it will be really easy to fail, and the worst part is that i still do not seem to care about this trend.

i don't really feel like i want to correct this deep down inside.

is there a reason?

maybe. i think i'm looking for something. i have been for awhile as i've mentioned.

can i find it? maybe.

am i looking? definitely.

in a way i'm giving up everything to find it. i don't really care about much else.

emo? i'm not sure if i ever qualified as "em0".

i think... i'm just me. becoming less normal, and how "me" would be in its natural state without influence of anything or anyone.

i'm not sure what i wanted to type anymore. i prolly missed out half of my inner-rant and emotions in this again as usual.

pfft, repetition.